Letting Life Decide

I felt so uncomfortable with how things were going on the dating site that I deleted it today. It felt too contrived. I ended up having ongoing conversations with about five or six men, none of which I was attracted to and none of which I would have felt comfortable meeting up with. Most of them wanted to meet up almost immediately and those that didn’t tried to turn the conversation towards sex which I wasn’t prepared to do. It all felt so wrong and despite the fact that this is probably the hundredth time I’ve joined a dating site in the last four years or so, I still haven’t learned! They just don’t work for me. I cannot get over how manufactured and false it all feels and I must stop myself from doing it again in the future no matter how much I want to find someone and have a relationship.

Instead of spending an evening on there, I downloaded and read a new (free) book instead. I doubt I’d have paid for such a book. It’s all about letting God take over. Now, I’m not a believer in God at all, nor am I religious but I do believe in the power of life. So if I am to trust life and allow it to take over, which is pretty much how I’ve been living over the last year or so, then I need to stop trying to control my love life by going on dating sites and just wait until life introduces love to me, in whatever way it deems right for me but I’m an impatient fucker. Once I decide I want something, I don’t let go of that so that may prove challenging for me.

All I know right now is, I need to stop the crappy dating sites and really let life take over my love life. I know what I’d like in a man ~ I’d like a man like Phil – loving, respectful, kind, accepting, fun, easygoing and more – and I’ve just got to trust that life will bring that to me, in the right time. 

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