Last night just before I went to sleep I asked ‘life’ to help me find love. I asked for a sign as to where I could find it. I then promptly forgot about what I’d asked, fell asleep and woke this morning having had a dream about Phil. I dreamt that he was saying that he’d been married twice. I knew about his ex (who he didn’t marry in real life) and then he said that he’d married Carol but that they weren’t together now. I stood there with my mouth wide open, staring at him in shock that he’d actually married Carol. I couldn’t believe that he would marry someone who has displayed such anger towards him; someone that has threatened him if he ever leaves her. I feel sad that he came to this.
Is my dream showing me that Phil was where I would find love after all? Well, I always knew, I still know that a relationship with Phil would have given me everything I’ve ever wanted in life. To be loved and accepted for exactly who I am in every given moment. To be respected and treated with love and kindness. To have a friend and lover who wants the same as me, who has the same values and beliefs as me as well as the same goals. I knew, I know, that we’d have had a harmonious future together because he is such a lovely, caring person. I know I could have been the person I always wanted to be because he brought it out of me, he nurtured it and gave me the confidence to let the real me breathe and yet, despite all of that, I could never make it work with Phil.
I look back now and I see all the reasons I had for it not working and I wonder if they were true or not. I mean, they were certainly true at the time, I can’t deny that. I’m very much a person who lives in the moment when it comes to my feelings but looking at it holistically, could part of the problem have been that I simply didn’t want a relationship with anyone at that time in my life? It would have been impossible for me, as it proved to be, for me to look beyond anything I deemed to be a flaw in Phil, or indeed in any man if I didn’t even want a relationship. I met Phil just eighteen months after leaving Tom, who had given me the most traumatic relationship of my life. I wasn’t healed at all and I certainly wasn’t ready to jump straight into something heavy with anyone but then Phil came along and wanted the works and he pushed and pushed for that because for him, the time was right.
Now, four and a half years after leaving Tom, having finally let go of him, having finally worked through all the issues I had with my Mum and Dad and having had four good years to myself to delve deeply into who I am and who I want to be, I’m finding myself back at the very beginning. To when I was as a little girl but a girl who had positive dreams for the future, not just the girl who was hurt. I want love. At this point in my life, I want a relationship. A proper one. Not one just based on sex or passion or lust and not one based on anything superficial. I want one that’s based on deep friendship, respect, love and understanding of each other. I’m now ready for that but every fibre of my being finds resistance in the ‘normal’ ways of looking for it. Dating sites feel 100% wrong. They feel invasive and crude, dangerous and so unnatural. I’ve been fixed up with Michael, by my friend, Linda, a good way of meeting someone I guess but that whole thing feels wrong too. It just all keeps harking back to Phil. To the deep love he gave me, the love that I’ve always doubted I would find in anyone else because I honestly don’t believe there’s another man on this earth who is as incredible as Phil. I knew that then and I know it now but I just had, and maybe still have, a block preventing it from happening.
However, despite all this, I’m very aware that I’m writing about what he gave me. What about what I could give to him because the last four and half years have been totally about me. I’ve been and needed to be centered in the self and it’s true that I’ve also been entirely self-centered. Can I step out of that, for anyone? I’ve thought long and hard over the last few months, since I’ve started feeling as though I want a relationship, about spending time with a man, about having a man in my home and every time I came to the conclusion that we’d have to have separate lives because I don’t want anyone coming in and ‘taking over’ what I’ve built up with the kids. I don’t trust anyone not to do that, except Phil. I never thought he’d take over with the kids or that he’d try and control me. My biggest concerns were his weight and the impact it would have on my world, his immaturity which was only present some of the time, and how him being in my life would really affect it.
I don’t know the answer to anything. I don’t know if these feelings I’m having today will even exist tomorrow. I don’t know if this is a culmination of my loneliness and anger or if I really should be letting Phil in, or at least trying to, given that he’ll probably never respond to anything I ever say to him again, given that I was so abrupt and rude with him the last time we spoke back in November. The only thing I do know is that last year was all about letting go and I’ve had the greatest sense since the end of the year that this year is about letting in. Letting in love, letting in a man. Whether that man is Phil or not, I really don’t know right now. I just know that I asked for a sign and I dreamt about Phil. Maybe what I dreamt about was exactly what I asked for. Maybe I was being shown and reminded of what love looks like. It’s in the way Phil accepted, treated and loved me unconditionally.