I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realise something so simple, so obvious. If I want real love in my life again I have to stop thinking that it’s okay for me to want to be loved while I give no thought to giving love. I also have to stop wanting a man as my emotional crutch as I did with Phil. By doing that it was almost as if I would be saying, “This is me, this is what I do, accept it or there’s nothing for us.“
How wrong I have been in the past to act this way. I never once took full responsibility for my actions nor did I agree to change. I may have said the words but the impact of them was never really felt.
Today I realised that I absolutely have to put my money where my mouth is next time I’m in a relationship and I have to change. This can’t go on anymore. I’m miserable and I’m lonely and I feel that way because I shut people out, I hold them at arm’s length and I treat them as though they’ve done something wrong when they haven’t. What the fuck? How did it ever come to this? I need to change.
That change needs to happen immediately, regardless of the fact there’s no man currently in my life. It cannot be a case of meeting someone, seeing how it goes and making empty promises. It needs to be change from now, permanent change. It needs to be promises and reassurances that I stick to no matter what and no matter how scared I am. It needs to be thinking about the future instead of panicking over it. I can’t get away from this now and I don’t want to.
I might have known that the man who has tested me to my limits in a very healthy way and brought about so much positive change in my life, is once again testing me, despite him not being here and not doing anything. The very thought of Phil is testing me to do what I promised myself I would do this year . . . let in. I promised myself, after a year of letting go that I would make this year about letting in and there’s no bigger challenge for me than to have to let love in but first I have to continue to prove to myself that a man is worth the risk of pain and that’s a battle that I don’t know if I even have a chance of winning yet.