I laid in bed this morning reading and thinking and I realised that I need to keep a notebook just in case I ever do what I did before, in case I ever forget. One night, when Phil and I were at our happiest, we cuddled up together and watched The Notebook. It was a film that resonated with us both and afterwards we joked that the couple were just like us. The woman had Alzheimer’s and kept forgetting who her husband was and he had to keep trying to remind her each day by telling her their love story. I think I need to do the same. I need to keep a notebook, filled with all the great things about love and all the beautiful times I’ve shared with the men in my life just in case my Love Alzheimer’s ever returns and convinces me once again that men are dangerous and can’t be trusted. If that does happen then I will make myself read the notebook and remind myself exactly what pleasure and joy men have given to me. A reminder too, that love never forgets.
I know this may not sound entirely normal and for most other people it’s not but for someone like me, this could work. Ordinarily you wouldn’t forget that you love someone but when you suffer from extreme anxiety brought about by years of abuse, control, abandonment and neglect, this is, I think, a necessity because the fact is, I do forget. If the next man in my life does the tiniest thing wrong, I know I will forget and I will project my issues and fears and then I will forget about love but if I have a notebook constantly by my side that I can refer to whenever I feel myself wavering, then maybe my past mistakes can be avoided.
The one thing I’m determined to do, if and when I meet someone, is to get a tool bag in place. Not wait till it happens but get it ready now so I’m prepared as soon as the work needs doing. I said change needs to happen and this is just one way I’m going to make it happen. Nothing is too much trouble this time around because I want this and I want love in my life again.