An Alcohol-Induced Haze of Love

The night I had sex with Johnny.
The night I had sex with Luke.
The night I had sex with Richard and Dan.
The night I had sex with Barry.
All of those nights I was drunk.

The night I met Greg, all those years ago; I had thrown a house-warming party, in the middle of it all my sister had got upset about something and walked out. I went after her and we bumped into Greg and his friend. Greg and I kissed and then a few hours later he came around my house and we slept together. He stayed from that moment on, with no thought whatsoever on my part, whether I was even attracted to him or not. The moment I met him I was drunk.

The nights with Patrick, Dennis and Wayne I was drunk having met each of them when out with friends at the pub.

The night I met Tom I was sober but the night I went on the second date with him, and then slept with him, I was drunk. I then spent almost every Saturday night drinking when with him.

The night I slept with Craig, I was drunk.
The night I slept with Phil, and every time I saw him after that, I got drunk.
The night I slept with Theo, I was drunk.

Out of the fourteen men I have slept with,  the decision to have sex with thirteen of them was because I was drunk. The only sober choice I made was with Danny, my first. I am not an alcoholic. I have never had a drinking problem, never drinking more than once a week and often even less than that but on the nights that I have been out with friends, I have got so drunk that I have made decisions that I wouldn’t have made sober. I have slept with men purely because when I have alcohol coursing through my veins, I lose all inhibitions and all sense and I give away not only my body, but my feminine power too.

On Saturday during my date with Michael, I remained sober. I am sober all of the time these days having barely drank for a year and for the first time ever I really felt what I should have felt with every other man. I could feel my intuition talking to me. I’ve no doubt had I have had a few drinks, I’d have ended up flirting, kissing him and possibly even having sex with him but instead I was able to see and feel that I am not attracted to him and that he is not worthy of my time or body because he is unhealthy and not my type at all. Had I got drunk and slept with him I’ve no doubt I’d have started yet another relationship with a man I don’t actually want to be with.

All those years ago I would never have had sex with Johhny, Luke, Richard, Dan and Barry had I been sober. I didn’t fancy any of them and I didn’t want a relationship with any of them. Alcohol made my choice. I made the choice by drinking alcohol.

Had I been sober when I walked along the street and bumped into Greg, I would never have kissed him. He wasn’t my type and even if I had, I definitely wouldn’t have invited him back to mine. History would have been a very different story.

I definitely wouldn’t have slept with Patrick, Dennis or Wayne had I been sober as not one of them was attractive to me.

Had I stayed sober on the second date with Tom, I probably would have still slept with him because I was hugely attracted to him but had I remained sober on Saturday nights instead of giving in to his demand for me to drink, I probably would have been able to see what he was doing to me much earlier on.

I would never had slept with Craig if I hadn’t been drunk. He wasn’t attractive to me at all.
I definitely wouldn’t have slept with Phil, in fact, I wouldn’t have met him the way we did. Instead I’d have arranged to meet somewhere other than his house and I’ve no doubt his physical presence would have seen me going home and probably not contacting him again, simply because there was absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever.
I wouldn’t have had sex with Theo either, it would have been one or two dates and I’d have realised that he really wasn’t my type.

I’ve been feeling so desolate the last few weeks, yearning for love in my life, thinking that I should be with Phil or wondering if Michael will be the new man in my life but I can see that what I am doing is panicking because I am in a new state of being. I’m not used to being sober and looking for love. I’m not used to my intuition telling me no and I’m not used to getting to know a man with a clear mind. My judgements in the past have all been clouded, blinded, by alcohol.

I’m not doing that ever again. Luckily I no longer drink, on occasion I have one drink but that’s it and in doing so, I’m allowing myself the space to really feel whether someone is right for me or not and thankfully,  I’ve finally learnt this because I’m pretty certain that had alcohol been involved where Michael was concerned, I’d have just landed myself with a very repressed, immature child who relies on his sister to care for him. The next carer would have been me.

What this now means is I’m now in a position to really feel love when it does happen and not an alcohol induced haze of love. I have made a lot of really poor decisions in life that have brought me endless amounts of pain but finally I can see that each one was because of foolish choices I made from the perspective of being inebriated.  

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