Feeling Less

Last night, while drunk, Gary told me that I was a huge disappointment. I wondered why, if he thought I was such a disappointment, I was in his bed and not home with Katie. I lay awake for hours worrying about her. Although she’s sixteen and perfectly okay with me staying over at Gary’s, it bothered me as Alice didn’t go home last night, choosing to stay out with her boyfriend and I hated the thought that Alice was out all night as well as me, and Katie was all on her own all evening.

Gary woke at 8am for the toilet, said good morning to me but the atmosphere was tense. It stayed that way for a while, even though we had sex several times. There were no loving acts and no words of love being spoken and midway through the day I realised that’s okay. I wasn’t feeling mad about him today, I was annoyed with him and annoyed with myself for leaving Katie again. I wasn’t having doubts about him and I wasn’t fearing the worst, I just wasn’t madly into him at that time and I think he felt exactly the same. Hours later, as we laid in bed together, I told him I loved him. I still didn’t massively feel it but I still wanted him to know that deep down, I did. That once I’d got myself out of my current angst, I would feel it again. Gary didn’t respond with an ‘I love you too’ and I’m absolutely fine with that because I understand where he’s coming from and that we don’t have to feel it in every moment of every day.

When we got up, Gary cooked us breakfast and asked me to help him fold his washing. Instead of doing it together, I did it myself. I wanted to do something for him that my ego was telling me not to do because it was screaming at me that he was using me and training me in for the future. I did it and he really appreciated it and I had to note that he was cooking me breakfast, therefore doing something for me. After we’d eaten, we sat in the lounge watching TV and I tickled him. He laughed and giggled and shortly afterwards, told me he loved me. I think for us, humour and laughter are what bring us closer each time. Before I left for home, all of the usual feelings had returned and while loving him never changed, the intensity had but I know that’s ok, it’s normal and it doesn’t mean anything negative.

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