I cannot see how this thing between Gary and I is going to work out. The more I get to know him, the more I see traits in him that I just don’t really like and no matter how much I try to deny it to myself, I can’t help seeing elements of something in him that makes me really uncomfortable.
Two nights ago, I said I wanted to get my hair cut, he said he wouldn’t fancy me if it was any shorter than it is now. That tells me that he doesn’t love me for who I am, he ‘loves’ me for the fantasy woman he’s created in his mind, pretty much the way Tom did. He talks endlessly about his work, his life, his problems, his social life, his friends but if I start to talk, I get to speak for about a minute before he butts in or stops the conversation for one reason or another. He’s simply not interested in anything I have to say, much like Tom.
Last night I told him of a decision I’d made to home educate Annie and he disagreed with it completely. He said Annie was too sociable a child and that he didn’t think it was the right thing for her. I said that given the fact he’d only been in our lives for three months it didn’t really have much, if anything, to do with him. He said he was entitled to his opinion. He then started questioning me about work and how I was going to do both and then moved on to how much I earn, how much tax I pay and how much help I get from the government for being a single parent. I refused to answer any of his questions because it’s none of his fucking business and, yet again, we ended up arguing. Before that, we’d argued a little about him coming around and staying over. He said if he came over he’d be wanting sex. It made me feel so worthless like I am just the body he would be having sex with because sex was what he wanted, not because he wanted me.
More and more I’m seeing a man with issues that he’s totally unprepared to look at and work through them. More and more, I’m seeing a side to him that I don’t like. I fell in love with him too quickly but I’m not sure I actually like him that much. He’s obsessed with money, to the point that the other night he had beans on toast for dinner because he had four pieces of bread that were going out of date the next day and he wasn’t prepared to waste them so had them for dinner. Everything is about making or saving money and I’m really finding that quality so unattractive.
Everything is quite controlled. His house is always neat and tidy and he gets stressed if it’s slightly messy. Everything seems to revolve around him going to work, the pub or sitting on the sofa watching TV and I’m really starting to question if he actually has any life in him, other than for sex which, quite frankly, I’m getting pretty bloody bored of already. His sexual demands are endless and at this stage in my life, it’s not really something I can be that bothered with, especially when the demands don’t seem to come from a place of love. I sense this relationship doesn’t have a long future ahead unless some major changes take place, which I doubt very much will occur.