Filling A Void

I’ve just had a moment of clarity . . .  I don’t wholesomely love Gary. There is chemistry between us, that magnetic pull that happens in life, that has happened to me several times, that has convinced me several times that I am in love with someone but reality has just struck and that feeling, while I can’t describe exactly what or why, isn’t necessarily something to build a relationship on. It’s more like a calling, to heed a lesson that that person can show you. I think it’s a magnetic attraction because you needed that person to enter your life to teach you something very valuable to enable you to grow through it. That feeling tricks us into believing it’s love but I don’t think it is, certainly not this time around, not really with Tom either and not with Danny all those years ago. In fact, I’m not even sure I believe in romantic love any more.

I love Gary in a personal growth sense. I don’t love him in a long term romantic sense. We have so very little in common, we argue often, we disagree on so many fundamental things in life but, my moment of clarity revealed to me that he fills a void. Before I met him, there was an emptiness and because of it, I rushed in and allowed the first man that came along and overpowered me, to fill that void. And he did overpower me. He didn’t respect me as an individual with the right to my own wants, needs, desires and opinions. He bulldozed his way in, insisted I remove my profile from the dating site, claimed me as his own and now isn’t happy because I am strong, opinionated and not bending to his masculinity.

I’ve thought I haven’t been doing that because I will not be controlled and manipulated again and yes, in part it is because of that, but I also know that if I truly loved a man and if he went about things in a loving, respectful way, I would open myself up to his ways, just as much as he would open himself up to mine. With me and Gary, neither of us are doing that. Much like with Phil, I try to only see Gary when I want to. I don’t want to see him as often as he wants to see me. Like tonight, for example. He wants me to go around and spend the evening with him and his children. I really don’t. I won’t have Annie tonight, Josh will be out, the older girls doing their own thing and so I don’t want to spend the evening sat in with him and his children, watching crap films on telly and barely speaking to each other because the conversation within that family is minimal and I find that odd. I’d rather stay home and do my own thing although I know that by tonight I’ll be craving company because Annie’s not here, I’ll be feeling empty.

Much like Phil again, this isn’t fair. Gary wants a proper relationship. I don’t. I didn’t realise that I didn’t until he pointed it out the other night, and he’s absolutely right. I don’t want a serious, full-on, we’ve got a future, kind of relationship. I want something easy going. I want to love someone and be loved in return but I don’t want to live in each other’s pockets, I don’t want to see each other all the time, I don’t want to plan the future and I don’t want to be having sex constantly. I want deep, intimate conversations about life, about us, about who he is and who I am. I want real sexual intimacy, shared beliefs and interests but I also want my independence. I want time to myself with no pressure and without endless contact with text messages and phone calls and none of those things are what Gary seems to want.

So I have a choice to make. I can either bow down to Gary’s wants and needs and see him as much as he wants and have sex even though half the time I don’t actually want to, and I can talk about the future and share my child-free times with his kids and I can lie to myself but have my emptiness filled, maybe overfilled and so, therefore, I’ll stay as I am right now which is neither unhappy but not blissful either, or, I can end the relationship even though I will miss him somewhat and even though it will mean I am going to feel empty at times but it will allow him the space to find someone that can give him what he wants in life. Which of course leads me to realise that once again, my selfishness is coming into play because what I know I’ll end up doing is the first option, the easier one. I feel enough for him to keep this going but it’s for my sake and my selfish reasons, but I don’t love him enough to let him go and let him find what he really needs in life.

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