Despite our recent bouts of arguing, I messaged Gary earlier to say I would go to see a band with him tonight at the pub as per his invitation earlier in the week but then he replied to say he didn’t want to go anymore. I thought he was just saying it because he was pissed off with me but later he rang me and said he was in the worst mood ever, he didn’t know why and he couldn’t shake it. He said it was so bad he didn’t even know if he wanted to see me tonight because he was worried that he’d be horrible to me for no reason and that it would cause another argument. I said I’d love to see him and that if he wanted I could just come over, we could get a takeaway, mong in front of the telly and not even talk if he didn’t want to. He spent until 8pm thinking about it and then said I could if I wanted to.
When I got there, he’d popped to the shop to get some wine but when he returned he had a face like thunder. I went to give him a hug but he pushed me away and said he didn’t want to. I said it may make him feel better but he was insistent that it wouldn’t. We ordered a takeaway and sat and ate it. His mood seemed to lighten a little but when I put my arm around him, he went mad and said I was being really pushy and clingy. I withdrew to the corner of the sofa and left him alone. He kept looking at me but I was so hurt and angry with him that I refused to acknowledge him, eventually, he said that he just hated to be touched when he was it that bad of a mood and that I’d said I’d come around and leave him alone and he was right, I had said that and then I’d done the opposite because I thought I knew better and I thought that if we spoke and if I gave him some affection, he’d snap out of it but in actual fact, it made him worse. I had lied to him when I told him we’d mong because I didn’t actually mean it. I wanted to prove to myself that I am good enough to snap him out of it and that my love is strong enough for him to be better but it’s not because I am not responsible for how he feels or for him feeling differently. Only he is responsible for that and only he can change it.
By midnight I was shattered and feeling sad so I said I was going up to bed. He said he’d be up in a bit. I didn’t think he would be. I went upstairs, cleaned my teeth and went into the bedroom to get undressed when Gary came up, touched my shoulder, pulled me into him and hugged me tightly. He then said sorry and said he’d be back up soon and would give me a cuddle when he came to bed. As he pulled away I could see he’d been crying. I know he didn’t mean to be so hurtful to me and I know he genuinely felt shit for how he was being tonight. When he came to bed an hour or so later, he put his hand on my tummy. I put my hand on his and then leaned over to give him a kiss. He kissed me back and then a few minutes later, started kissing me and instigating sex. We had sex but he felt so distant and unavailable and more than anything, it just made me feel sad.