I woke this morning to Gary kissing me. We had sex but it was so similar to last night in that we didn’t feel at all connected and he felt detached from me, although it could just as well have been me detached from him. Afterwards, he went back to sleep, I got up a little while later, got dressed and made him a cup of tea. I took it back up to him and kissed him to wake him. I knelt by the side of the bed and kissed his chest and then his lips again and before long we were having sex again but this time, it felt real. We actually felt connected and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. We laid there afterwards talking, messing around and laughing before I popped back home to shower and put the dinner on. We were going to go out for lunch but it was so late that instead, we decided to go to a local garden centre and have a look round. It was such a lovely afternoon. When we’d looked around, we went to the cafe area, got some drinks and sat out in the sun just relaxing and talking for an hour. It was bliss. I think we both felt that we were connecting again the way we haven’t for weeks and it was lovely.

When I got back home in the evening, had fed the kids and got Annie to bed, I messaged him to say I’d had a lovely day. He replied that he had too. The conversation led on somehow to things I’d learnt over the weekend and I realised that I’d learnt that I’d now seen Gary at his worst and that I loved him as much, if not more. He was so snappy with me last night and so not interested in anything to do with me, simply because of his mood but I loved him anyway. I loved him for letting me into that and I loved him for being himself but mostly I loved him for his way of apologising to me even though it was probably the last thing he felt like doing. While I may not be loving him wholesomely, I’m still able to have feelings of love for him and whatever they may actually be, I’m just going with them and seeing where they take me.

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