History Repeating Itself

I took Annie to soft play today to meet up with her old school friends for a couple of hours. Linda was there and when I said something to her, she made a comment about me being snappy. I hadn’t realised I was but she was right. I was snappy to her, the same as I’ve been snappy with Annie all day today and the same as I’ve been snappy and unhappy generally for weeks. Linda asked what was wrong so I made some story up because I didn’t want to admit the truth; that Gary has made my life stressful from the minute he walked into it and it’s just getting worse and worse by the day. I can’t admit that because I feel so stupid because I thought I was healed from attracting men that treat me badly. I thought I was strong enough to resist it and I thought I was clever enough to see what was happening and walk away but this has been going on since the very beginning and I’ve been doing nothing but make excuses for him. I have, yet again, taken all responsibility and let him get away with endless amounts of shit, and for what?

He has tried to change me, complained about the way I look, the way I dress, the way I fuck, the way I act, the way I talk, even the way I don’t always remember to put kisses at the end of a text message. He has wanted to and tried to change me and the worst thing is, is that he has. I’ve lost myself again, just like I did with Tom, to a controlling, manipulating man, I have allowed it to happen again. Because each and every time I worried I was overreacting to the things he said. I was worried that I was being oversensitive or that I was simply wrong or worse, that I was being unfair and unjust but Linda’s words made me see just how much I have changed. I am no longer carefree. I am angry and hurt most of the time, not outwardly, but it’s there and the anger and hurt is because I’m being treated without real love, yet again. I’m being treated conditionally and not loved unconditionally. I have rushed into yet another toxic relationship.

As if I needed confirmation of this, tonight showed me exactly what I suspected. I’ve barely seen Gary again but really wanted to see him tonight. He went to the pub instead. I texted him and he was so distant. One of the reasons I wanted to see him was because my cousin died today. I told Gary that he’d died and that I could do with some company and he said, “I’m trying to have a pint with my friends and all you’re doing is trying to ruin my evening.” I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or angry. What a callous, selfish bastard. 

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