Josh burst into my bedroom this morning and shouted, “Happy Father’s Day!” It was really funny but extremely ironic too because it just shows how masculine I’ve had to become over the years, how I’ve been Mum and Dad to the kids but also too how much it’s paid off. The kids are happy and secure, even though they’ve only ever really had me. On the other hand, I can see how it’s done the opposite, not for the kids, but for my relationships.
I don’t know how to be just the woman in a relationship anymore. I’m so used to doing everything for myself, my kids and my home that I now find it impossible to drop that and allow an actual man to take the adopted man’s place. I think this is some of the problem with Gary. There’s no place for him, or any other man, all the time I am wearing the skirt and the trousers but it’s not something I can easily let go of because life has proved to me too many times that men do not stick around for me and they do not treat me with love and so the trousers are just going to have to stay, regardless of the consequences for my love life. Besides, having happy children is worth so much more to me than any man so what does it matter?