A Wasted Decade

I spent all day thinking about all the stuff with Gary and decided that I will stay with him. If he’s depressed maybe that’s the reason for his behaviour towards me lately? I decided to be the supportive, understanding, loving girlfriend instead and to give him the space to work through all his crap. I encouraged him to see a doctor but he said he wouldn’t at the moment and I told him how much I loved him, even though I’m not actually sure myself if I do or not.

This afternoon he finished work early, not to spend time with me, but to do his garden because apparently, that’s part of the reason he’s depressed. He phoned me from Sainsbury’s to tell me he was on his way home but that if I wanted to pop round for a shag I could. And I did. How fucking stupid of me.

I did it because today I realised that maybe his massive angst towards me for the last two months has actually been because I turned him down once and that maybe it played into his issues or rejection and abandonment from when his Dad abandoned him at five years old and when his ex-wife rejected him after the birth of the children. I went straight into feeling sorry for him mode, and too much into understanding him mode, dashed around there, had sex with him and then left him to get on with what he wanted to do for the rest of the day.

I am so angry with myself. I play right into his fucking hands every single time. I have no boundaries, I have no self-respect and it would seem, I’ve learnt absolutely nothing over the last decade or more of my life. Not through the abuse from Tom or the real love from Phil. Nothing. What a waste of a decade of potential learning. 

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