One Way Street

I was supposed to see Gary this afternoon but ended up working till 5pm even though he said he’d only work till 12pm. He then wanted to spend the rest of the time tidying the house ready for picking the kids up at 7pm. We spoke on the phone instead and he talked about work and the usual crap and then said I could come over Saturday night if I wanted. I didn’t want. I don’t want to sit indoors with him and his kids watching crap, violent films until after midnight. If I’m going to go around, I want to spend quality time with him. My kids don’t sit downstairs with us whenever he has been round here, they stay in their rooms and go to bed at a decent time. I make space and time for him. Not only that though, I told him I wanted to stay home as the older girls were going to a concert and wouldn’t be home till about 1am and that I liked to be home so I knew that they were back safe. Gary laughed hysterically down the phone at me before saying that they were 16 and 17 and didn’t give a shit if I was in or not. He took the piss out of me for being overprotective and just wouldn’t stop laughing at me. I told him I didn’t answer the phone to be laughed at and taken the piss out of and I ended the call. He sent me a text five minutes later saying, “I attacked you, did I, Miss Sensitive?!?!?! Lol WOW! Lol!!” I didn’t respond so he sent another text two hours later to say, “Not talking to me, squinny?

I replied back saying that I didn’t like name-calling, being laughed at and taken the piss out of especially when I’ve been nothing but kind, patient, loving and understanding towards him. He actually said sorry and then said that I had been all of those things and that’s why he felt comfortable enough to joke with me.

I thought at that point it might help him understand if I told him why I am the way I am so I said, “I’m just very sensitive to what I deem to be judgements of my parenting. It’s hard enough making every single decision on my own without people taking the piss or criticising me for it. Everything with regards to the kids is on my head; if something fucks up it’s my doing and my responsibility alone. No-one ever really supports me so to be laughed at when I get quite anxious about them being out so late just upsets me. I know I’m overprotective but I can’t be anything else. I’m always trying to make up for the lack of other family in their lives so I feel that I have to be there constantly for them, even if it is only to say hello to them when they walk in at 2am or when they ring at stupid o’clock to say they’re not coming home after all.  I have to be the parent that is always there for them because of the one that is never there. I know trying to make up for their dad isn’t going to fix anything but it’s the way I need to be, for my sanity.  They’ve been let down, rejected and unsupported enough without me doing it, which is how I feel if I’m not there for them. I know it may not be the truth of the matter, but it’s how I feel.

He didn’t even bother responding. This is a one way street with him, in more ways than one. I’m doing all of the giving. I give my time, my love, my patience, understanding. He takes and takes and takes and gives me absolutely nothing in return. It’s all about him and his needs being met.

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