I invited Gary and his children to join me and my children at the local village fete today which he said they would but last night he texted to say the kids didn’t want to go, that there wasn’t enough to do there and that they were tired and wanted a lazy day so the kids and I went on our own.
Once the fete was over, I dropped Annie to Tom’s and came home but the last thing I wanted to do was sit in for the rest of the night. Josh was out with a friend and the girls had gone to a concert so I took the dog for a walk at the beach. I messaged Gary before I left to ask if he and the kids wanted to join me, as usual, I got another reason why they couldn’t, this time dinner. I couldn’t help but think that if he really was going to put more effort into our relationship as he’d said last week, maybe he could have come for a walk and grabbed the kids some fish and chips down there but no, dinner was the priority and so Jasper and I went to the beach and I somehow found myself doing a two hour, 4-mile long walk along the beach which gave me a lot of space and time to think. I realised just how sad and lonely I’ve become over the last few months. Walking alone down the beach on a Saturday night, seeing couples out together and families out playing or walking their dog was a harsh reminder of how little my relationship with Gary actually gives me. I realised that I actually feel lonelier now than I ever really did when I was single, just like I used to when I was with Tom and he too, chose everything else over spending time with me. History just keeps repeating itself with Gary, in so many ways it’s like dating Tom all over again and just like with Tom, I’m still tolerating it even though I know it’s not right.
After my walk, I cooked myself dinner, poured a vodka and sat on my own with the dog for company. Gary text throughout the evening but the more he messaged, the more annoyed I got. His texts, when not looking for sympathy, are all just about putting me down and laughing at me, which was the case again tonight. Over the course of a few hours, he managed to call me a wuss, a prude, numbnuts and an uneducated Neanderthal. The only thing he said that wasn’t a put down was to ask me if I fancied a fuck! I suppose he expected me to drive around there, despite it being about 12.30am at that point, and see to his needs. It didn’t fucking happen. I can see now that I’ve fooled myself into believing that the chemistry I felt in the beginning was fate. I wasn’t. It was me being foolish and naive.