I had a dream last night that made me realise just how low down on the list of Gary’s priorities I come. It’s been about 9 or 10 weeks since we’ve seen each other regularly as he keeps saying he’s busy or tired or stressed or depressed and yet funnily enough, he’s ok for other things.
Work is always the priority and that’s fine, it has to be done but to go from being able to take whole mornings or afternoons off to see me to now apparently working a 50+ hour week.
The kids are obviously a priority and that’s how it should be but money is always a priority and it’s just too boring to even write about that.
The pub, which goes without saying, is a top priority. It’s funny how he’s too tired to see me but he’s not too tired to pop into the pub for a ‘quick’ drink after work every night.
His pub mates even manage to get time with him – despite apparently being snowed under last week with work and not able to see me, he still managed to make two trips to the wholesalers – one for pans for himself and one to go and get a load of stuff for the blokes at the pub.
He will choose to do housework over spending an hour or two with me because he doesn’t want the kids to see the house slightly unkempt.
Gardening – Apparently he will be less stressed when his garden is tidy so he’s been spending some of his spare time gardening. He’s not too tired for that and 2 or 3 times this week that has taken priority over seeing me.
Sainsbury’s – He’s even turned me down because he was about to go to Sainsburys. Rather than spend half an hour in my company and go to Sainsburys later, he just turned me down flat.
So where do I fit into all this? Well, I don’t! He’s been too tired all week. He has texted me but I don’t think it’s because he actually particularly cares, I think it’s to relieve the guilt he’s feeling. In fact, on Thursday, after saying he’d definitely see me and then saying he was too tired, but going to the pub on the way home, he said he felt really guilty. He didn’t say he missed me or wanted to see me, he said he wanted to come round because he felt guilty.
Inevitably, I find myself asking the questions I should have asked myself weeks ago. What exactly am I getting out of this ‘relationship’? What is the pay off for me in this? What do I currently get that’s a positive?
It gives me the male company that I enjoy so much and it gives me some attention from a man that I crave but in all honesty, that only really happens when I’m dressed up to the nines and have spent hours on my appearance. I could do that anyway and get attention from any other man if I was that bothered. At best, once a fortnight but probably more like once a month, if that, I get to go out to the pub with him, have a few drinks and have some fun but that fun is actually more with other people now than it is with Gary. When Gary isn’t being a shit, he calls me sweetheart and darling and just for a second or two I feel loved!
And that is all I can find. It gives me a social life every now and then which I’m more than capable of getting on my own anyway, it panders to my ego when I’m feeling unattractive and need my ‘beauty’ validating and it gives me a second or two of feeling loved!
That is the glue that’s binding me to Gary right now because everything else positive we had right at the very beginning, doesn’t exist any more and as much as I may have wanted it to come back, it’s never going to be the same now because his actions over the past two months have changed things irreversibly. I am not a priority in his life, his actions have proved that. If he really wanted to spend time with me, he would have made it happen. I am a convenience for when it suits him and when he has nothing else to do and I think the glue that binds him to me is the shoulder to cry on when he’s having a bad day and yet despite knowing all of this, I still find myself stuck to him and unable to just walk away in the hope that he will love me again. Just like Tom. Just like my parents. Hello again, square one, we meet again.