I ended the relationship with Gary today. In the evening, he came around to get his stuff, I let him in and he put his arms out for a hug. I said no but he pulled me into him and kissed my cheek. He tried to kiss me but I didn’t reciprocate and pushed him away. I allowed him into the living room to talk because deep down, I didn’t want things to end. I want him to change and be lovely, not to leave. He was really apologetic the whole time and said he wouldn’t ask me to change my mind, even though it wasn’t what he wanted but then he said he couldn’t promise me that he’d change as he still had lots of shit to sort out. He talked about how depressed he’s been and how two of the men at the pub dying within weeks of each other had really shaken him up, despite not being that close to them. He said it seemed like everyone around him had had a lot of deaths recently and it was really making him realise things about his life which were getting him down more. He did a lot of talking, the majority of it actually, but didn’t do a whole lot of listening to me when I tried to talk.
Before I knew it he was kissing me, I resisted for ages but in the end, my bloody body let me down and I gave in. When he said he had to go, we walked to the front door and he kissed me more. He then put his hands down my knickers, took me to the edge and then stopped and said, “I’ll see you Saturday night.” I half liked his assertiveness (why do I have to be such a sucker for a dominant man?) and half hated how he thinks he can just carry on as normal as if I’ve said nothing to him.
He texted me this morning and then I spent most of the morning confused and in tears, not knowing what to do. I keep being pulled back to seeing the best in him and then another part kicks in that reminds me that there’s a whole other side too and I don’t know which is real, if the other part is his depression or if he’s just a selfish pain in the arse. Over the course of the day, I kind of decided I’d give him another chance and give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s his depression. I decided that kindness towards him was the way forward and that I would love him unconditionally with no expectation of anything in return but then in the evening, I text him saying I’d like a few days to get my head together but that we could meet Saturday night to talk and he replied with something that instantly made me think I’m making the wrong decision. He said, “No, we’ve discussed enough……I’ve been a cunt, you’ve been oversensitive so I am happy to get together Saturday for a drink in town or something, but not to rake over it all again.“
Whatever happened to a bit of humility and actually trying to be decent so I’d want to be with him? He’s gone straight back to exactly what drove me to end it with him and the worst part of all this is, I know what I need to do. I know I need to walk away now but I don’t think I can. I’m hooked again even though I know he’s not going to be the kind of man I want. I know he’s going to be a drain on me and that he’s going to treat me like his plaything, and that he’s not going to value me the way I deserve but I still don’t think I can walk away from him just yet. Last night he turned on the charm and I fell for it. I knew I was falling for it the second he walked in the house, smiling and lovely. I’m falling down into a similar pit of shit that I’ve been in too many times before and it feels completely out of my control. I wish I were stronger, but I’m just not. When it comes to men, I’m weak. Men like Gary, like Tom and like all others that have been strong, powerful and dominating always have been, and maybe always will be, my Achilles Heel and I feel utterly powerless to stop it, even though it’s almost a dead cert that it will lead to heartbreak and my downfall, once again.
However, the alternative is to just embrace it. My entire life there’s been two things going on. One is my major attraction to strong, dominant men – The sex is amazing, the passion high. It’s high energy, dramatic, exciting and thrilling although I’ve rarely had an orgasm with any of these men and I’m rarely physically aroused, only emotionally. They take charge, take control, take over my life and there’s a huge huge part of me that really likes that. I feel very safe with such a strong, self-assured man. It’s a huge turn on to me in almost every way but then the other part of my brain kicks in. The part that tells me I’m a modern woman, I should be strong, assertive, powerful, independent and not reliant on a man, nor should I do what a man wants. It’s not socially acceptable anymore to be the ‘weak’ woman, the woman that cares for her man or the woman that does what her man wants. We have to be equal to them and stand up for our rights in the world and in a sense that’s absolutely right but deep down, if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t want to be. I want a strong man, although if he dominates me too much I push him away.
It seems men, at least the ones I have encountered, are one of two ways; they’re either incredibly strong, masculine and dominant like Danny, Tom and Gary or they’re very feminine, weak and quite pathetic like Greg and Phil. Those men are perfect men for long term, settling down relationships filled with love, kindness, consideration and respect but there’s no passion, no fire in their bellies and no real lust.
Men like Gary are terrible for long term but they’re great for passion and fire. They’re great for making me feel safe, secure, guarded and protected whereas the Phils of the world, are equal but completely incapable of protection or high sexual energy. Life with them is flat, boring, safe, as comfortable. Life with the Garys is like stepping out of your comfort zone every single day. I feel safe and protected but I feel in danger of being hurt in every given moment. With the Phils you never fear getting hurt, you fear dying of boredom.
So, what do I do? I love Gary’s strength, I love it when he takes charge in and out of the bedroom but I want a bit of what I had with Phil. I want the niceness, the kindness and the comfort now and then but the two just don’t seem to go hand in hand. I suppose I have to work out what stage I’m at in life. Am I ready to become boring, settled and comfortable or do I want to have the wild for a bit longer? I think I want the wild.
I want the Achilles heel because it suits my personality. My only problem in the last few years is not living up to who I really am. The wild child, the fiery, passionate, slightly out of control woman, the woman I’ve tried to deny for too long. I want to be wild and reckless and I want my man to be in charge and to dominate me and so it’s a no brainer when it comes to Gary. I can’t leave him, not just yet. Not until I’m old, dull and ready to settle down into a life of armchairs and blankets on laps. I just need to embrace being his woman in every sense of the word. Embrace being owned by him because deep down, secretly, I like it, it makes me feel like I have a place in the world.