I found myself reading an article today about always attracting the ‘wrong’ man. I based this on the fact that Gary is hardly the man I set out to meet when I decided to start dating. I wanted to meet a man similar to Phil, a man that would love me the way he did and yet Gary is the complete opposite. The article went on to say that people don’t always attract the wrong man or woman. The problem is that they accept the wrong man/woman. I thought about this and I realised it was right.
I have become so fixated on unconditional love that I have turned a blind eye to Gary’s behaviour and ‘loved’ him unconditionally, except I haven’t and I don’t. That isn’t unconditional love, that is putting up with shitty behaviour towards me and I’m disguising it as loving him unconditionally. It’s a lie I’ve been telling myself for five months now.
What I have actually done is accepted someone else into my life that doesn’t act towards me the way I deserve. He doesn’t treat me with love and kindness and he doesn’t act nicely towards me. The entire relationship is actually based solely on how good I look when with him (decided by him) and us having sex and that’s about it. There’s certainly no unconditional love on his part towards me.
When I think back to the unconditional love I received from Phil, I too have to question that now. That wasn’t unconditional really. He never pulled me up on treating him badly, he let me get away with it and said it was out of love and acceptance for me, for who I was at that time. I loved that he said that when he did but really it was a lack of respect for himself and it taught me that I could get away with it. He accepted my crappy behaviour the same way I accept Gary’s.
I have told myself right from the beginning that I’m not accepting crap from Gary. The reason we have argued so much is that I have stood up for myself each and every time he’s pissed me off, and there’s been a lot, as a way of showing him it’s unacceptable but my words haven’t been powerful enough because my actions have spoken a whole lot louder. By staying in the relationship, my actions alone have taught Gary that I do accept his behaviour. No amount of words, no amount of text messages, tears, arguments or anything else is enough to say I do not accept this, if I’m still staying there, accepting it.
Staying with a man who doesn’t treat me the way I deserve or want not only tells him I accept his behaviour but it stops the chance of me meeting a man who will be right for me.
I’ve thought for so many years that I attract the wrong men, that something about me can only attract the ones that treat me like shit but the reality is that every single person can attract the wrong one, but not every single person accepts them. I attract, I accept and I invite them to move into my life and take over! I don’t turn them away and move on to the next one until I find a decent one. I accept them, knowing deep down that they’re wrong, and then I convince myself it’s love because I accept them for their flaws – the flaws being that they treat me in a much lesser way than they ought to.
All along, all I’ve needed to do was end it immediately and keep looking. Instead, I have stayed with the wrong man, sometimes for years and years, out of some misguided view that this is what love is and that this is what you do when you love someone. It isn’t.