12 Years Lonely

I took Annie to the beach today but the longer we were there, the more my mood got lower and lower. It was a Saturday day time, everywhere I looked were families – mums, children and dads. I wasn’t feeling low because there’s no dad to share it with us, I felt low because it would just be nice if the man that’s supposed to be in my life would share something with me other than alcohol, DVDs and sex. Gary didn’t even wake up until 12.30pm today because he’d been at the pub all of the evening and late into the night, then stayed up till 5.30am drinking at home.

This wasn’t what I hoped for when I set out to meet someone. I didn’t plan on my life staying almost exactly the same other than once or twice a week watching a DVD with someone. Six months into this fabrication of a relationship we’re no further along than we were at the beginning. He does his own thing and has his own life, as do I. The difference is, I would like to share more of my life with someone. Not just evenings when there’s nothing else to do but day times, with the kids. I don’t think for one second that he would choose to spend a day time with me and my kids, not even if he had his children over.

I couldn’t help thinking about how lovely my sister, Sasha’s life with her boyfriend is. Even though she has two kids and he has four, they still spend every weekend together, day and evening. They do stuff together with all the kids and they have time alone. I feel as though I’m nothing more than a convenience for Gary. He clearly has no long term plans for us or he’d be moving this forward in some way. Instead, he just sees me when it suits, usually once all my kids are in bed. It’s depressing. I’m in a relationship but my life isn’t actually any different to how it was six months ago. I still do everything as if I’m single. In fact, my life has been one of more or less being single for the last twelve years. Even when I was with Tom, he rarely did anything with me and the kids, it was always me taking them out and he staying home to do his own thing. Twelve long, lonely years and I can’t see an end to it at present, and certainly not with Gary.

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