I’m off to the pub tonight with my friend, Rob (who is my friend, Sam’s boyfriend) because when I said to Gary earlier in the week about seeing him Saturday, he said, “I’m busy Saturday. I’m going to the pub to watch the rugby and see a band that’s on that I missed last time because I spent the evening with you” which is a bit shit as we’ve barely seen each other for weeks. So, I’m going to a different pub where the rugby is on and a different band playing with Rob and I bet I’ll have a better night. Gary did manage to text me to say, “I can’t half do with getting my dick wet” and also told me after an hour-long phone discussion that he was horny and wanted to fuck me. Arsehole.
I don’t want this crap any more, it’s bullshit yet I find it so hard to just walk away because I don’t have any time to go dating or meeting anyone else so if I don’t have Gary for the meagre, unsatisfying amount of time that I do, I won’t have anything and I don’t think I can do that right now and so I’m not only settling for less than I deserve but I’m settling for less that I want purely because I can’t stand the thought of having nothing right now but really, nothing is what I’ve got anyway. There’s no intimacy, no conversation, nothing in common. We literally just have sex and sex without intimacy and an emotional connection is not good sex as far as I’m concerned, it’s just fucking and that, I can live without.
The trouble is, I’ve been single now for over five years and I want something different. I want a proper, real relationship and it just doesn’t happen for me. Maybe it’s just not in my destiny and I’m meant to live this life alone, whether I want to or not. Which is a shame, because, with the right person, I think I’d have a lot to give.