Last night, Gary sent me a message asking if I’d missed him as we haven’t seen each other since Sunday. I hadn’t as I’ve been busy; Alice came back from visiting a friend in America this week and then Annie was ill so my mind had been elsewhere all week but rather than say that and start an argument I asked if he was missing me by any chance. It still caused an argument! He said it was rude to answer a question with a question as it was a way of evading the question (it was) and that he wouldn’t talk to me if I couldn’t be civil! A complete overreaction on his part but never mind. I thought he may have been joking at first but he definitely wasn’t because he then told me to fuck off as he doesn’t deal with rude people. The irony! When I asked if he was being a little over sensitive he said I was being rude and that he wouldn’t lower himself to my level. I told him I was only playing with him and he replied, “Go ‘Like’ everything on Facebook that the Yanks post, arse licker!“
That’s not the first time he’s criticised something I’ve done on Facebook, but it is the last. I went straight onto Facebook, deleted and blocked him. This is about setting boundaries. I said that calling someone a Yank is offensive and that he wouldn’t be meeting Alice’s friend if she came over as I didn’t want her to associate me with Gary’s small mindedness. I also said that building a relationship with people that would most likely be spending time with Alice is hardly arse licking, but is actually very important. He told me to take the fucking stick out of my arse, called me a moody fucker and said that I need to lighten up! He then said, in reply to my next comment about him name calling (once again) and how he does it as he is out of his depth in an argument, that he’d never heard such sanctimonious crap in all his life and that when I get it wrong, I get it WRONG. And he finished his rant with, “You’re an idiot.“
This morning I can’t help but think that the two years I spent with Phil were a complete waste of time because while I knew we were never going to be long term, I also knew I had to be with Phil for two really important reasons. 1. To heal from Tom’s abuse. 2. To learn what real love looks like from a man and yet here I am, almost two years later, in a relationship with Gary who talks to me like crap, who name calls, slags me off, criticises me, uses parts of my life against me in arguments and generally doesn’t value me or realise my worth any more than Tom did. The only difference this time is whereas Tom’s abuse used to really hurt and deeply upset me, Gary’s doesn’t. It mostly washes over me like water off a duck’s back and while it means I’m not taking it on board and allowing it to affect me, that’s not necessarily a good thing because it also means it has so little impact emotionally that I stay with him despite it all and despite the fact that I could have so much better, whether that’s with someone else or on my own. Almost four years ago, the Universe gave me the opportunity through Phil, to learn something that could really impact my life positively, instead I’m wasting that lesson and reverting back to type.
After giving it some thought, I sent Gary a message: “The bottom line is, we’re back in the same place we’ve been a million times before. We disagree on something. You get rude and insulting with name-calling and spiteful words. You deny you’ve done anything wrong when I react to it and blame me entirely. We don’t talk for a few hours/days. You back down and admit you’ve been a dick and then it’s ok again for a short while until it all starts again. It’s a cycle that I’m getting incredibly bored with now. Sort yourself out, Gary, because my patience is at an all-time low with this. You think I come back every time because I can’t resist you and can’t leave you. You’re wrong. I’ve come back each time because I’m a fool who sees the best in you and I believe in 2nd chances but you’ve had, how many? 5, 6, 7, 8 chances? How many more, realistically, do you think I’m going to give especially as the last time you admitted you weren’t going to change because this is who you are and you didn’t want to, yet you expect change from me! Every time it happens I see less and less of the good in you and more and more reasons why I should stop fighting for something that’s not really worth fighting for. Life’s too short to allow someone in your life that thinks it’s acceptable to insult, name-call and generally be nasty to when something doesn’t go their way and I’m too long in the tooth and too battle-scarred to put up with crap like this. The trouble with the feisty, independent women that you say you like so much, is that pretty soon, we realise that we’re fine on our own and really don’t need to tolerate this crap. Think about it, eh?”
I can appreciate, reading this back, that it sounds as though I am doing nothing but blame him and taking no responsibility for my part and yes, that’s probably true because actually I don’t think I was at fault too much other than not being honest with him from the very start about not missing him, but what I’m doing is trying to work out where I’ve possibly gone wrong and what I can change. I think I can come across as quite condescending in the way I talk to him but in all honesty, I find it hard to set boundaries within a relationship without being condescending and if that’s my biggest problem, compared to his verbal abuse and everything else, then it’s fairly insignificant. I know everyone thinks they’re right in an argument and mostly they’re not, but in this case, I do think I am. Maybe I wasn’t right in my assumption that he was being moody, there’s no way of knowing now, but I think I am right to react the way I did to his insult of Americans and his language towards me.
And so, I find myself mentally back to Phil. Would Phil ever have spoken to me this way? Would Greg, Danny, Theo, Craig? No, none of them ever did. Whether the ‘relationship’ lasted a night or a decade, none of them ever spoke to me the way Gary does. The only other person that has ever spoken to me in this way is Tom so it can’t all be me, can it? Because, if I’m honest, I am playing the blame game here and really I am blaming myself. Deep down I am wondering if it’s me, and not him. I am wondering if I’m wrong, if I caused this, if I’ve caused the entire eight months of friction there’s been between us but it can’t be so, because if it were the case there would have been almost two years of friction between Phil and I and there wasn’t. Although I messed him around, life was never like this with him. If it were the case, it would have been like this with Greg for the ten and a half years we were together, and it just wasn’t. We had a lot of good times, a lot of fun times and we showed each other respect in the way we talked to each other. It was also never like this with Danny during the four years we were together. Nor Theo or Craig for the short time I knew them. I’m not even saying it’s all Gary but I am saying that we simply just aren’t compatible. I went into this determined not to be mistreated again and he’s come into this with his own agenda, as we all do, and our agendas together, just don’t work. It’s as simple as that.