Seven or eight chances weren’t enough so I decided to give Gary another one. He said something to me last night which is playing on my mind He said, “I would like to have you in my life until I die…especially if you can be less sensitive and put up with my banter…I fear you can’t or won’t though.” I don’t know which instilled the greatest fear in me; the fact that he wants me to be less sensitive or that he wants me in his life until he dies.
There are so many things wrong with his statement. The first thing is that he wants me around forever. We don’t have enough going for us for this to happen and why he can’t see that I don’t know. It’s as plain as the nose on my face, despite me taking him back.
The second thing wrong with his words is that he is so unaccepting of who I am. I am highly sensitive. I’ve never made a secret of that. In fact, I’ve told him that I’m a highly sensitive person and that it has its positives as well as negatives and if he were to embrace it with me, he’d see the benefits of those positives but instead he wants me to be less sensitive. I can’t. I especially can’t when he can be so cutting and nasty in his remarks to me – most of which I consider to be abuse not banter.
As for saying I can’t or won’t. This indicates that he thinks that I’m making a choice. I can’t be less sensitive. This is who I am. Nature or nurture, it is what it is but he thinks I’m purposely sensitive, maybe in some way, to piss him off. I wish that were the case!
I sometimes wish I didn’t feel what I feel because life would be so much easier but that’s not my life. I’m not able to lighten up and take jokes about my character or physical appearance and I don’t see why I should. Phil and Greg never made ‘jokes’ about me. Neither man ever had any reason to call me over-sensitive, not once in almost 14 combined years and yet Gary and Tom, the two men that bully and verbally abuse, are the ones that say that I am the one with the problem! As for Gary having me in his life until the day he dies; that’s a joke. Unless he drops down dead soon.