Annie has made a few new friends recently and I’ve got to know their mums, Nicola and Sally. Nicola is someone who fascinates me. I don’t really know how to describe her but she’s very earthy and a bit of a hippy but not too much. She seems very loving and kind and she exudes a really lovely energy. Sally is quite similar. They’re both real earth mothers and sitting with Nicola today made me realise that who they are is really who I’ve always wanted to be and who I aspire to, but don’t have the courage to be.
I love the freedom they both have. The freedom to be themselves, to dress the way they want, to have their hair they way they want. They’re both beautiful women but they don’t fit the norm of what they ‘should’ look like. I, on the other hand, look restricted and controlled in my style of dressing. I dress for other people and not for me. On a day when I’m not seeing anyone or going anywhere I dress comfortably and don’t worry about hair and make up but if I’m going out I put on tight jeans, boots with a heel, flattering tops and I always do my hair and make up. My outlook is always to try and look really nice, attractive and sexy but I don’t want to be that. I just want to be me.
I realised today just how far away from being the person I want to be, I actually am. I’m dating a man who puts all the importance on how sexy a person is rather than their personality. I have to always dress up and look sexy for him, even if I feel like slobbing out. I do that even if we’re sitting in watching a DVD. All of my friends are into material possessions and care so much about having perfect hair, make up and clothes and none of them fit into my ideal. I don’t want these people in my life anymore. I don’t want the Karens, Pippas and Garys of this world, I want the Sallys and the Nicolas.
I want to be that free woman, the relaxed, comfortable person that doesn’t worry about what other people think but right now, I’m so far removed from that I don’t even know where to begin in achieving that. All I know is that I have the wrong people in my life but I’m pretty certain they’re here to show me exactly who I am. I’m someone that needs to change.