On New Year’s Eve, Tom told me he was meeting a woman for a coffee date – no problem here, I don’t give a shit either way but it would be nice for him to finally move on with his life. He said afterwards, that she was lovely, very chatty and funny and they both wanted to see each other again. He then met her again for coffee yesterday and again today. I’m absolutely fine with all of it, I have no reason not to be, in part it’s a huge relief. If I have any concerns, they would be about Annie and if he’ll lessen his time with her to spend it with this woman if they start seeing each other.
However, dropping Annie off at Tom’s today and listening to him describe her, suddenly made me feel shit, not because of anything related to him, but to how it all relates to me. She works in air traffic control, she has two teenage boys that live with her half the time and their Dad half the time, she runs, is very into fitness, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke (doesn’t sound Tom’s type at all!) and although she looks her age (45) she, in Tom’s words, “is put together well and looks classy.” He then described her as ‘a little thing‘ meaning she’s slim and cute, and I suddenly started to feel shit and worthless.
I drove home thinking that she, and women like her, are just the type of women that men want. Women that have good jobs, earn decent money, keep fit, look good, have plenty of time to themselves, and are fun. I’m none of those things. It made me realise that there’s little wonder Gary would rather spend time with his mates drinking at the pub than staying home doing fuck all other than watching DVDs with a stressed, overweight, boring, skint, mess of a mum who only works part-time doing a ‘nothing’ kind of job. I don’t have anything to offer him that he can’t get from any other woman. I don’t have a career, I have very little, I have no time to myself, I’m overweight and I’m dull and boring. No wonder he isn’t interested in anything with me other than sex.
The worst part of all this is that I don’t know how to change it. I mean, I know how to stop eating crap food, but whether I will sustain it long term is a different matter. I know I should exercise but I have no motivation. What I really don’t know though is how to make any money. My work purely gives us enough to survive and a career doing what I really want to do, is still some years away because I’m so focused on the kids rather than my own goals. The harsh reality is that my life is exactly the same as it was a quarter of a century ago; no husband, no money, no prospects, no passion and no hope and I just don’t know how to change that.