Last night I had a dream that woke me up like no dream has in a long time. It made me really think about my relationship with Gary and just how much it lacks and feels wrong, intuitively. The kind of man I want in my life, long term, is the kind of man I dreamt about – quiet, unassuming, sensitive but with enough grit to ensure he’s not one dimensional. It is not the brash, overconfident, aggressive men like Gary. The dream was a stark reminder that Gary and I have sex, alcohol and DVD dates but we don’t have anything else. We don’t have anything worth building a future on and it feels 100% wrong, deep within me, to even consider Gary as anything more than what we already have.
I’ve stuck with it for the past ten and a half months because it is something different in my life. He takes me away from being a mum, a home educator, a cook and a homemaker and he gives me an escape. He brings to my life the things I wasn’t having – company, sex and nights out – but long term that’s not what I want. Actually, it’s not really what I want now. I’ve had so much sex over the last ten months I’d actually just like a break from it. When it’s sex for sex’s sake, it loses its value. The company, while nice to have now and then, has got too often. I like my alone time and there’s not been enough of that lately. Seeing Gary two or three times a week is too much and is taking away from my time with me. My time to write, to reflect, to grow. The conversation between us is totally one-sided and is all about subjects I care little or nothing about. I miss conversations that matter to me. I sit night after night listening to Gary talk for hours about his life, his decorating plans, his kids and his work but I never get a chance to talk about anything that matters to me in life. That’s the other end of the spectrum to where Gary is. But I miss it and I crave it. I long for somebody to not only share with me their life but to share my life with as well; who I am and how I view the world, and I long to have conversations with someone that shares similar beliefs. Gary is not that man and I’m lying to myself every day that I continue this relationship.