I’ve been hit by what I originally thought was a wall of indecision but now realise is more than that. When Dad announced he wanted to sell the house I looked on Rightmove and saw a couple of properties that might be suitable, one of them really stood out as possibly being just right for us. That was two weeks ago and I still haven’t phoned up to enquire about it. I just can’t bring myself to do it. The house is £150 per month over budget, but I could try and negotiate, and the deposit and fees are extortionate but again I could try and negotiate, but either way, I’d get back most of it when we leave, providing we haven’t wrecked the place, which we won’t. Every time I think about ringing up about it, a mental block comes up and I put it off until ‘later’. Except, quite clearly, later never happens. The house could be ideal but I risk losing it if I don’t move quickly.
Today I thought about what is stopping me and there are a couple of things. Firstly, it’s the fear of moving away. The house is in a completely new area and while it doesn’t really matter where it is because it’s not like I see friends or family very often anyway, I fear that by moving away I’ll be alone. It’ll be a new house, in a new area where we know nobody and where there’s very little to do and it scares me. It is in a fairly quiet village and not at all what we’re used to but is what we want. We’d love to move out of town, although to be fair, mostly we don’t know we’re in town as once we’re in the house it’s so quiet anyway, but to move right away from where we are now is a little scary. It’s only a fifteen-minute drive away but that short distance is putting the frighteners on me, simply because I’m scared it’ll make me feel alone. In reality, I could have lovely new neighbours and make new friends but that’s, sadly, not where my focus is at right now. It’s all fear-based.
My second reason for not ringing up about the house is my age-old tale of not being good enough. I’m scared that they will instantly reject me because I receive some help with rent and therefore the agents will see me as not being as good as someone who can pay the rent fully themselves. I had this problem when I left Tom and so I never told them I was in receipt of benefits, instead, I paid six months in advance but I was always worried that they’d find out and evict me so this time I feel that I should be honest but I know it increases the chances of them refusing me on those grounds. All of this fear is doing nothing to get us to where we need to be, which is finding a house and moving out. I’m just going to have to push through it and see what happens which is easier said than done.