Unloved & Rejected

Gary came round last night. It’s the first time we’ve seen each other in twelve days. I was really looking forward to seeing him as I feel so stressed at the moment I thought it would bring some relief, a distraction and a hug to make me feel better. He didn’t touch me once all night. He walked in and said, “Put the kettle on then“, talked loads about the pub and then we got in bed to watch a DVD. I thought that having not spent any time together in ages, maybe we’d skip the ritual of DVD watching and actually talk to each other or maybe even have sex, which we haven’t done for at least three weeks, if not longer, but he wanted to watch a DVD. He undressed, keeping his pants on which he only does when he doesn’t want to have sex and he stayed away from me all evening. I did move over, to try and break the ice, and laid on his chest; he casually draped his arm on me. I kissed his chest, he ignored it. I moved away a little to see if he’d invite me back; nothing. When the film finished he started talking about a weekend away that I’ve booked for myself and saying what I should do including going to the local pub for dinner, setting my stuff up in the room, even saying what time I should arrive. The conversation somehow led on to me asking why he hasn’t replied to a question I asked him on Sunday. I’d said that he felt distant and asked if he wanted us to still be together. He didn’t answer then and last night as soon as I asked it, he got in a strop and said he was going to sleep. I said that he was being really distant, hadn’t touched me, cuddled me, kissed me or even tried to instigate sex which is most unlike him and he just got moodier and moodier. It became an argument rather than discussing it as I’d have liked to and he then turned over and went to sleep. I stayed up for another hour crying at his rejection.

This morning, he accidentally touched me in his sleep. I then felt him touch his penis and I thought he might have been taking his pants off to have sex with me but then he turned his back on me, eventually going to sleep. I laid wide awake from 6am until he woke with his alarm at 6.40. He was still in a foul mood. He said something about Josh being noisy and that maybe I should find Josh a girlfriend so he’d move in with her and then said about me twice asking Josh to move out. I very innocently said, “I didn’t ask him, I suggested it” and he had another almightly strop. He got out of bed, started getting dressed and said I was being pedantic. When he was dressed, he gave me a hard, angry kiss on the lips and asked when I was turning my phone off for my weekend away. I said Friday night and then followed it up with, “I bet you can’t wait.” I know it was childish but at that point, I felt so unloved, rejected and uncertain about his feelings towards me that I just reacted. He left.

I then texted him and said that for someone to be having counselling they have to be feeling fairly crap. I said that I felt as if my world was being turned upside down in many areas but that I’d been really looking forward to seeing him as I thought seeing him and having a cuddle would at least make me feel a little better today. I told him how much it hurts that he didn’t even attempt to kiss or cuddle me the whole time he was here. He replied saying, “I was looking forward to seeing you too and happy to give you a cuddle. You know that I’m shit at that stuff and you expect too much sometimes….I’m not Phil!” It then carried on with everything I said being turned to blame me, even saying that I’d made no effort either and all it really ended up doing, was making me feel even worse than I already did.

 

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