And… Relax

It’s nine o’clock in the morning and I’m sat in bed, in a hotel room, on my own for the first time ever. No children, no dog, no men. It’s nice. It’s exactly what I needed. Yesterday was such a stressful day. I managed two hours sleep the night before, kept awake with stressful thoughts about the house in  and with thoughts of Gary. They are my two biggest stress factors at the moment.

When I woke yesterday morning, the stress continued, mostly because of tiredness. I phoned the agents at to see if they’d put my offer to the landlord forward, they hadn’t. I asked them, again to put it forward but to now let him know that I’d be willing to pay the asking price but to try and negotiate a lower price first. We were all stressed waiting to hear any news. At 4.30pm I got a phone call to say that when the property had previously been on the market with a different estate agent, they had actually had an offer but the tenants then failed the referencing checks so the agents cancelled the agreement and the house went back on the market. It turns out though that the tenants put a letter through the door of the house for the landlord, who apparently has only just read it, stating that they’d still like to rent the property. So, despite us thinking that we were the only ones going for it, we’ve now been told that the landlord is going to get in touch with the previous applicants, see if they still want it, give them first refusal and if they don’t, then we can have it. We have to wait until Monday at the earliest to find out.

Despite the added stress of this, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t know if that’s because the house isn’t the right one for us and my body was telling me so, or if because at least now I knew there was nothing else I could do until Monday and so I could relax and not think about it until next week. Just as I started to relax and think about doing an early dinner so I could get to the hotel early, Alice declared she was leaving to pick Josh up from work. He’d got held up with a big job and didn’t fancy then having to get a train back, but, when Alice went out to get him, her car wouldn’t start so I finished the kids’ dinner and went out myself to get him but by the time he actually got back to the yard and then unloaded the van it was 6.15pm. I’d wanted to drop Annie off at Tom’s at 6pm and be at the hotel by 6.30pm. Josh then asked me if I could run him to a mate’s house to pick something up. I agreed as he said it would only take a minute but it actually took 25 minutes. By the time I got back home, I was beyond stressed and ready to give up on the weekend but I finished packing the last couple of bits, worked out that Alice would have to drive me to the hotel so she could have a car for the weekend and after dropping Annie off, I eventually got to the hotel at 8.20pm. I checked in, walked into my room, closed the curtains, put all my stuff either out or away, and then I burst into tears with what I can only assume was relief.

I had my laptop, kindle, the TV and a pile of DVDs and while I thought I’d write or read, in the end, I was far too exhausted, physically and emotionally, to do anything but put on a DVD. I watched the least emotive of films and then fell into a deep, peaceful sleep, the first in about three weeks, from 11pm until 8am this morning.

Since waking, I have watched a little bit of TV and I’m now sat in bed, in my PJs listening to relaxing piano and string music and planning on writing for the day. I may go for a walk around the 32 acre grounds of the hotel, but I may not. Later I’m going to order room service rather than sit in a noisy bar or restaurant, and then I think I’m going to pay an extra £50 to extend my stay from 11am tomorrow until 4pm because I know if I check out at the normal time, I’ll regret going home so early and my life getting back to normal so quickly.

Right now though, all I know is that the peace and quiet is so soothing and the least number of people I can encounter this weekend, the better.

Later,  I had a small epiphany. I realised that my relationship with Gary serves my ego’s need to believe that it is unlovable. I really realised just how unhealthy the relationship is for my soul. It is damaging and is the most stressful thing in my life; more than being a single parent to four and more than having to find a new place to live. And furthermore, it’s been stressful from the word go. Right from our first messages to each other, stress was created.

So far since last night when Gary believed I was turning my phone off, he has sent me three messages. I haven’t read any of them. I don’t want his energy playing any part in my weekend and intruding on my time. To think, I wavered so much on whether he should join me this weekend. In reality, I would have hated him being here, even if for only one night as he would have made it all about sex, alcohol and crap TV. Even worse, my ego would have been fed to believe more lies, but what I have instead is a weekend where I’m actually feeling relaxed, content and happy. I haven’t felt that way in so long. Not only because of my current stresses but because my thoughts are always so wrapped up in Gary -thoughts that are always negative and never about loving or missing him.

After my epiphany, I suddenly started to feel a bit lonely and caged in the room. The sun was shining so I showered, dressed and went for a walk in the grounds. I thought I’d sit in the gardens and read or go to the bar for lunch but once I got back to the room I just felt so washed with peace and serenity that I decided to stay in the room and order room service ~ just in time for the rain that came.

So now, I’m here writing, with the windows open, a cool breeze against my skin, watching the world go by my window and loving every single second of it.

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