My weekend to myself seems such a long time ago and yet it was only 24 hours ago that I arrived back home. I walked in the door to find an absolutely spotless house, Alice had made sure it was all tidy and clean, Josh had done the washing. But within a couple of hours, my stress levels were right back up to where they were last week when I popped to the shop and bumped into Gary. He looked genuinely pleased to see me and as if he’d really missed me. When I got home he texted me to say I looked far more relaxed and then said, “Why don’t you surprise me tomorrow night and wear hold-ups.” My heart sank as soon as I read it. He hadn’t said he’d missed me. I guess it’s sex he’s missed.
Today I had my second counselling session with Amanda and almost all of the session ended up being about Gary. I told her the things he said on Thursday night about me being boring and him going anywhere I wasn’t going to be and I told her about the hold-ups. She said it’s very manipulating behaviour so he can get exactly what he wants out of the relationship. How right she is. Last week when I desperately needed a cuddle because I was having such a stressful time, he wouldn’t give it to me. He wouldn’t meet my most basic of needs and yet now he expects me to meet his need for me to dress like a fucking plaything for him?! I don’t fucking think so.
I know if I don’t he’ll say something and he won’t be happy which in turn, could lead to yet another argument, which I don’t want to have, purely because I’m stressed enough without adding to it with a row from him, but, if I do dress up for him, which I don’t even want to do as I hate dressing that way, I’ll be showing him once again that I will keep on meeting his needs even when he does nothing at all, ever, to meet mine. Ultimately I’ll be showing him that he and his needs are more important than me and mine.
Amanda asked me why I’m continuing the relationship when I know, deep down, that it has no future but also that it’s quite damaging for me. I said it’s that life long deep need I’ve had for physical affection and time spent with someone that keeps me there. He may treat me like complete and utter crap most of the time but when I get a kiss, cuddle or any time together, it makes it all worthwhile. Once I’ve had that, I feel happy, calm and centred again and feel able to face all my problems. (Apart from the ones with him as the cuddle acts to cloud my judgement.)
I’m starting to think that this kind of counselling isn’t going to work for me, I mean, it hasn’t before so why should it now. I wonder if I need some EMDR to deal with the trauma I felt as a child at never being touched, kissed or held; to deal with the constant rejection I felt from my parents. Maybe if I deal with it on a cellular level, I’ll finally be able to move on from it and stop attracting and holding on to men that treat me like shit, just so I can have some physical contact.