Realisations can hit at the most unexpected of times. This morning, lying in my bed when I was supposed to be getting dressed after my shower, I was suddenly overcome with a sadness akin to profound grief. Inside the despair, because deep down that was what I was feeling, was the grief over the dream I had as a child that never came true. It’s a very basic and simplistic dream. It was the dream that I would meet a wonderful man, get married, have a family together and live in peace, harmony and love with each other, always being on each other’s team and always being in love and caring for each other. A team in the truest sense of the word.
My grief is not only for the fact that it never happened, but also for the fact of what came in its place instead; being cheated on and left by Danny, being taken for granted by Greg, being abused by Tom, being alone, being a single parent, being too late for my dream to ever come true. Because part of that dream was for us to be a team where our children were concerned. That cannot ever happen now because I won’t have more children, out of choice, and to take on another man’s children, as he would have to with mine, wouldn’t be the same at all. My dream is as lost to me as it could possibly be. The dream that I have held close to my heart for over thirty years cannot ever happen.
Maybe, most probably, this is why I settle for relationships that aren’t really any good for me. Why I settle for Gary. I can’t have what I dream of so instead I settle for at least having something.
Even if I were to one day meet someone who I was able to form an indomitable team with, and he with me, it’s not the dream because there would be children to share and complicated histories to work through. I’ve lost all hope of it ever happening but my life feels a deep loss for the emptiness my dream has left behind.