On Sunday, my nephew, James, came round and out of the blue started talking about his mum, Millie, how much he hates her, how when he has children she is having nothing to do with them and how she is a complete and utter narcissist. He hit the nail on the head and it’s a nail that has eluded me for my entire life. I’ve never been able to quite figure out how to describe Millie. I knew I always felt shit when around her and knew that my feelings towards her weren’t healthy but I didn’t know why but now I do. Narcissist completely and utterly sums her up perfectly. She is just like Dad. They are emotional vampires and I feel completely drained when I am in their company or when I even think about them.
I did some research into narcissists and realised just how true the statement is and then I started to think about Mum and how her actions were never loving, caring or innocent towards me and I wondered what was going on there. I then discovered a term called Covert Narcissist and realised that summed Mum up completely. So, my entire life I’ve been surrounded and raised by narcissists. Overt in Dad and Millie’s case, covert in Mum’s. I then left home and throughout the years have accepted into my life more and more narcissists. Danny – overt. Greg – covert. Tom – definitely overt and now Gary who is also overt.
And where that leaves me is utterly drained. I feel drained of all life and energy, drained of self-esteem and self-worth and just like I have no life blood left in me much of the time. With Millie home-educating her girls and therefore going to all the same places that I go, and Dad involved in my life more because of the house move and with Gary swinging from pretending to care one minute to narcissistically draining me the next, I’ve reached a stage of lacking energy, motivation and any kind of oomph with life. There is currently no-one in my life paying into my emotional bank account, all everyone is doing is withdrawing.
Today I realised the very subtle ways this takes place and the effect it has. It was Tom that made me see it. Annie had swimming with the home education group and Tom came along too. My brother-in-law, Max, was there and I sat with Pippa, catching up with her. Tom stood up, said he was going to get a drink, asked Max and Pippa if they wanted a drink and totally blanked me as if I wasn’t there. And that’s what they do. Narcissists will act as though you’re unimportant or as if you don’t even exist. This is what my Dad did my entire life; this is what my Mum did for some of my life; it’s what Tom has done for almost all the twelve years I have known him and it’s what Millie has done my whole life too. It’s also what Gary does to me unless he wants me to validate him in some way, usually sexually.
Yesterday, on an educational visit to London, Millie interacted with me the whole time. In fact, at times she clung to me because she doesn’t actually have the confidence to be on her own with people she doesn’t know or to be totally alone. After a whole day of her bothering to speak to me, she then came back into my home with my children, sat on my sofa on her phone and didn’t speak to me again until she left almost an hour later and didn’t even acknowledge Josh, Alice or Katie’s presence. They’re her nieces and nephew and she didn’t once even say hello to them. Even when they came right into the room making noise, singing, messing about and talking, she ignored them. She treated them the same way she’s always treated me; as if they don’t exist. Now, had there been some kind of pay off for speaking to them, I have absolutely no doubt she would have spoken to them but as there was no-one there to impress, she blanked them.
There really is no wonder I feel worthless in so many areas of my life. And the thing is, to rid myself of these feelings I know I have to rid my life of all these people that are doing this to me but what I don’t know, is how. I would have to move right away from the area and never have anything to do with any of them again. No Mum, no Dad, no Millie, no Tom and no Gary.
But I won’t do this for one very important reason. I’m so scared that I will continue to attract narcissists into my life that it’s become a case of ‘better the devil you know’. I think that I’m better off with the narcissists I do know than risking life with ones I don’t, in case they’re worse. Alongside that is the fear that I’m wrong and that it’s all in my head. Having James validate what I’ve felt all my life was great but now, two days later, the doubts are back and I’m scared that it is just me being over-sensitive and that I’m the one with the problem, not them. I suppose the worst thing about a lifetime surrounded my vampires is that they drain you of all self-trust and self-belief and leave you uncertain of anything, including your own truth.