I asked myself tonight why I don’t just end this farce of a relationship with Gary once and for all. It is, after all, so similar to how things were with Tom. There’s no love, affection, respect or intimacy. There’s nothing much other than his needs being met while he gives me a torrent of abuse. I’ve given him time to change, I’ve had enough hissy fits about it. He hasn’t changed and he’s just not likely to. This, once again, is emotional abuse and I’m still here. Why?
Because of three reasons that I can currently see:
– I really don’t want to be on my own. Gary is the only thing in my life that isn’t about responsibility. Where everything in life falls on my head, I need this outlet where I don’t have to be the mum or grown-up or the responsible one, even if just for an evening. Gary is an escape.
– I’m scared that the next man will be even worse. With Gary, it’s just insults and comments that make me feel a bit shit. I’m scared that if I move on to someone else, it will be even worse.
– I’m scared it’s too late for me to meet a decent man, and I’m scared that decent men don’t even exist. At 42 and with numerous failed relationships under my belt, I’m starting to think that my chance for real love has probably passed me by and so I should just be grateful for what I do have and stop always wishing for more. Maybe more doesn’t exist. It doesn’t seem to.
Even with Phil, who all that time I thought was perfect, apart from the way he looked, really wasn’t. He was extremely needy and his emotional needs were really quite manipulating. He suffocated all chance of a positive relationship with his major insecurities and clinginess. Wanting marriage and moving in from the word go and constantly telling me he loved me, even waking me up to tell me. It was just fucking weird.
The fact is, I don’t attract healthy men and I no longer believe that they exist.
However, despite the fact that we haven’t spoken since our last argument, I will not be contacting Gary. Because I know if I do, I’ll be teaching him even more than he already believes, that I don’t respect myself and therefore he doesn’t need to respect me. I have to stick to what I said and wait for him to contact me and then he needs to apologise. I know, deep down though, that this isn’t going to change and I’ll be back in exactly the same boat with him again within a matter of days or weeks. I know I need to end this and I know I’m settling for less than I deserve and that I want but until life shows me that decent, caring, kind, respectful, loving men do exist, Gary is all I’ve got.