I had another counselling session today but I really didn’t want to go. All morning I kept thinking of excuses why not to go, even walking out of the door to the appointment, I was trying to come up with a reason to avoid it. I literally had to force myself to go this week. Deep down, I think I knew it was going to be a difficult session.
I cried the whole way there. I walked into the session, sat down and burst into tears and that’s pretty much the way I stayed throughout. We talked about Gary, obviously, and I said that while I knew that ending the relationship was the right thing for me to do long term, in the short, it felt really difficult because it would mean, that yet again I’m on my own. I acknowledged that the way he treats me is abusive. I remembered things he has said or done over the past year which have never been about love or kindness and while I could totally understand this wasn’t good for me, it still broke my heart to think that we would end. Not because I will miss him particularly but because I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I shared my fears of always being on my own or worse, of finding someone that’s even worse than Gary. Amanda asked about my childhood and if I’d always felt alone and unloved then. Through sobs I admitted that was the case; that love never came my way, not from either parent. Amanda asked if I believed that good, kind, loving, respectful men even existed. I admitted that I didn’t, at all. She said, “You can’t even think of one?” I thought about it and then realised that my first ever friend’s Dad is really lovely. He and his wife have been married for over 40 years and he’s always treated her with love and kindness. I then thought about Colin, Linda’s husband and realised that he too is a good man and it made me wonder how many other men that I knew, were good men that I’ve failed to see.
I went home and looked through my Facebook and came up with a list:
Max is loving, kind and respectful to Millie
Matt treats Pippa with love and respect
Tim, my nephew, respects women and treats them well
My friend, Jack is always kind and respectful
David, Sasha’s ex, was always loving and kind
Brian, Jill’s husband is lovely
Penny’s husband is really respectful to her
Phillippa’s husband is respectful and kind
Rachel’s husband is really loving, kind and respectful
And that, those few men are just from my Facebook relationships so maybe it’s time I changed the way I viewed that part of the world. Men are not all bastards that treat women badly. The few I have personally encountered don’t make all men disrespectful and unkind. The evidence is in front of my face and clear to see. REALLY GOOD, LOVING, KIND, RESPECTFUL MEN DO EXIST!