Gary still hasn’t been in touch, it’s now been eight days since our argument. The majority of the time since then I’ve felt great. I’ve felt better than I have since before I met him and definitely like the old me is returning. This was what I needed to see that he’s not good for me. He has literally been draining my positive energy and it’s clear to me now, with its return. However, today I feel sad and a little angry at what he’s thrown away; firstly by not contacting me but also by not respecting me or being kind and loving. I guess it’s not something he’s capable of.
I have noticed this week that he’s been back on the dating site. I thought he would. I went on to see out of morbid curiosity and found that every evening he would put his profile back up but every night by the time he went to bed, it would be off again. I think he’s doing this to get a reaction from me. It worked one of the times we split up but this time, I’m not reacting. It’s very sad that he hasn’t the courage to just message me, apologise and work this out, although I no longer believe it can, nor want it to work out. This weekend he hasn’t put the dating profile on, I suspect because he has his children and therefore won’t want a reaction from me when they’re with him but it’ll be interesting to see if it goes back on tomorrow night when his kids have gone back home.
So tonight, I’m feeling what I think could be a stage of grief – anger. I think I experienced denial on Monday. Today’s feelings are the second stage. Next comes bargaining but I’m hoping I skip that stage, as well as the fourth which is depression, and just move on to acceptance. I’m not sure I will though. I suspect if he does bother to ever get in touch, I’ll find myself slipping back and bargaining over my own happiness. I hope I’m strong enough not to though.