A few weeks ago, I stupidly picked up my laptop by the screen and broke it. I have been without a laptop since then which means I’ve been unable to write. Typically, much has happened in the last few weeks and now that my laptop is fixed and I can write again.
I ended things with Gary. I then weakened a little and asked if we could be ‘friends with benefits’, he agreed. I’ve seen him for sex about 3 or 4 times since then but it’s crap and I don’t think I want to continue it. Not seeing Gary, other than for sex, and barely communicating with him has helped me to see him for what he is. Not a very kind man and kindness is something I value above most other things.
My car broke down for the second time in a month but this time it was the head gasket which basically means my car is not worth fixing so I had to buy a new car. I had no money and as Dad had said that anytime I need money before we moved house, I only had to ask and he would take it out of the £20,000 he said he would pay me to move out. I did just that and he said, “You’re getting just like Izzy and Sasha, constantly asking me for money. At this rate you’ll have had all the money, it’ll be four years down the line and you’ll still be living in my house.” I have no words for his unkindness.
Last weekend I joined a dating site. I then went out for the evening with Sasha, got quite drunk, bumped into Howie and Jon, the men I met last September when I went out with Rob, and ended up kissing Howie in the pub. He then came back here until 4.30am where we chatted and kissed some more. He exudes kindness and empathy and is such a lovely man, unfortunately, I’m not that attracted to him but I don’t know if that’s more about him or my penchant for being with unkind men – a habit I no doubt learned from my Dad. If so, I need to break the cycle.
Last Sunday a received a message on the dating site from Theo, the man I went on a date with three years ago. We’ve stayed in touch and remained friends so it wasn’t unusual to hear from him but when I decided to ask him if he’d like to go on another ‘first’ date and see if there’s anything there. He said he’d love to so next Friday we’re meeting up for our second first date. I’m quite excited. Theo is really lovely. Kind, funny, caring and good looking so I live in hope, although if nothing comes of it and we remain friends, that’s okay with me too.
We’re still no closer to finding a house to move to. It’s frustrating as hell but what can I do?
The other thing that’s happened is I finally feel in great need of action. Of doing something. I’ve been quite content to sit and plod through life but now, finally, I don’t want that. I want to be working more and start thinking about a career. At the moment, I feel as though neither is happening but it all feels as though it depends on the house move. It feels as though when we move house, our lives can take off again, but right now, it’s a case of waiting for that happen.