I sat thinking about life and love today and I wondered if I pick the ‘bad’ boys, the ones that hurt me, out of a fear of hurting the nice ones. One of my greatest fears in life is hurting others or rather, rejecting others. I found it so difficult to put an end to things with Phil, continuously going back to a relationship I didn’t want to be in partly because I couldn’t stand to hurt him. When someone is kind and loving to me all of the time and yet I still can’t love them the way they deserve to be loved, it makes it really hard to end things and confirm to them that despite how great they are, they’re still not lovable enough. Because that’s the crux of it. I don’t have any huge problems in ending things with someone who has hurt me because the pain they’ve caused makes it easier.
Actually, I’m going to go back on all of what I’ve just said because writing this made the real truth come to mind. I can more easily, actually, very easily, end things with someone I love because I’m not actually telling them I don’t love them. I’m ending it because while my love remains the same, I just can’t tolerate the things that are hurting or upsetting me anymore.
I have so much trouble ending things with people I don’t love because I feel terrible for not loving them and that pains me more than anything. Telling someone they’re not lovable enough for me, amounts in my head to telling them they’re not lovable. Full stop. Rejecting someone because there’s no love there is so much harder than pushing someone away when there is love there. I’m sure it’s also true that the love I feel still when I end a relationship helps me because I take it for granted that I can go back to them because I still love them – that love won’t just die whereas, when I end things because I don’t love someone, the ‘love’ dies instantly. Their pain becomes my pain and that anguish is intolerable to me.