Over the last few weeks, Howie and I have been texting each other. He is everything Gary isn’t. He’s kind, sensitive, accepting, loyal. He’s one to settle down with but I have very little attraction to him. He’s not particularly good looking, although not ugly either but tonight, his texts changed somewhat and I saw a side of him that I really quite liked. An even more sensitive side than I realised he had before and I felt very attracted to it. So much so that we discussed meeting up for a date even though earlier in the week I’d told him that I didn’t want more than friends.
I’m quite torn. Gary and Howie, Tom and Phil, Danny and Greg. Each set reflecting back to me the two different parts of me that co-exist ~ the wild and the sensitive. When I’m living in my wilder side I want men like Gary, Tom and Danny. When I’m in the sensitive, gentle part of me, I want the Howie, Phil and Gregs of the world. I can’t seem to find a man who possesses both traits.
Actually, writing that down, I’m wondering if that’s true. Maybe the truth is that I just choose the extremes of the good men and the bad boys but in actual fact, all men possess a bit of both. Take Gary, for example. I definitely focus more on his bad boy side but there’s definitely a softer, more sensitive side there. He cries at films whereas I don’t. He’s quietly spoken, he cuddles when watching a film together, he parents his children incredibly well and so if that’s true of Gary then maybe it’s true of Howie to have a slight edge to him to balance up his sensitive, kind nature because, in truth, I couldn’t live with a nice man any more than I could live with a bad boy. I need the balance but so far the scales haven’t been that way, they’ve been tipped slightly more one way than the other and none of the ways are ones I’ve been happy with. Maybe there’s just no pleasing me?
Maybe I focused on Gary’s ‘bad’ traits as though they were a negative thing when actually they were a positive? I don’t actually want someone who’s kind, loving and sensitive all the time. There’s no growth in that. I do want someone who challenges me, argues with me and totally makes me step out of my comfort zones. I need a bit of fire, not a blanket to put over the top of my passion which is what happened with Phil. Still, I will meet up with Howie and I will see what happens and how I feel when on a proper date.