Last night I went out for dinner with Howie. I’d stressed to him beforehand that I couldn’t do anything more than friends but that didn’t stop him from flirting and a couple of times he put his hand on my back or around my waist. The dinner and the evening was okay but it made me realise that we can’t be more than friends as I just don’t have any romantic feelings towards him.
While we were out I saw two of Gary’s friends. I noticed both of them really looking at me and at Howie and I knew before long, word would get back to Gary that I was out with someone new. At 9.30pm Gary sent me a message. I didn’t bother reading it until I got home. He asked if I was having a good night, I said I had. He asked what I’d done, I told him I’d been out for dinner with a friend. He asked if it was Howie and then asked if he’d gone home or was staying the night. He told me to be careful. When I didn’t reply, he rang me.
We talked from 12.30am until 3.45am. During the course of the conversation he said that he was still really confused; that his head was telling him one thing and his heart another; that he had never had any problem ending a relationship and moving on before but with me, he just wasn’t able to do that. He said he missed me, that he loved me but he hates that we argue all the time. He said he’d love for us to have a weekend away to see how we got on and then use that weekend to make a decision about our future. If we got on then we’d give it another go and if we argued then we’d call it a day and move on. I asked if I had a say in that, he said no. He ended the call by telling me he loved me again and then texted me saying, “Goodnight, gorgeous, sweet dreams xxx”
This afternoon, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, throw caution to the wind, ignore everything that’s gone on over the last year and more and message Gary to see if he was free. He was. I went round, got straight in bed with him and spent the afternoon reconnecting. He was as loving, affectionate and warm as he was demanding and in charge – everything I always wanted him to be in bed. We slept for an hour and we both held each other throughout. He told me again that he really loved me and I told him I felt the same, because I do. Rightly or wrongly, I love him and that’s that. As he slept, I held him, stroked his back and his head, looked at his face and I realised that no matter what he says or does and no matter what I say or do, I love him. I also realised that if we ever get back together, we will probably always be one of those couples that always argues. We’re both such fiery, passionate people, we both firmly believe our views to be right and we’re both so stubborn and argumentative that it’s inevitable that we’re always going to come to blows and hate each other as much as we love each other and while a lot, if not most people might think this to be unhealthy, for us, it is what it is. Because when all’s said and done, and when we’ve gone through the angry, can’t stand each other phase, we both love each other deeply and that’s the kind of love that works for me, it just does.
I’ve spent so long trying to change who I am and trying to find a love that’s calm and gentle but I never realised until this morning, that kind of love actually bores me senseless. I’m too passionate a person to settle for calm. Maybe it’s a lifetime of relationships with parents and boyfriends that have made me this way or maybe this is just the way I am but either way, it is who I am and I thrive on the ups and downs of passion, fighting and fucking. The break up and make up of relationships, while it doesn’t bring me emotional stability, it does make me feel something, whereas the calm kind of relationships, that I had with Greg, Phil and would have with Howie if I were to settle for him, bored me rigid and I was always dreaming of something more in keeping with who I am so maybe it’s time that I accepted and stopped fighting against myself.
Maybe the fighting with Gary is less about disagreeing with him and more about disagreeing with me. Gary is forceful, bossy, demanding and more of an alpha male than I’ve ever known and it’s the biggest turn on to me; sexually, emotionally and mentally. I know this and yet the 21st century me kicks in on a bad day, tells me it’s all wrong to feel this way, that I should demand equality from my relationships and settle for a wishy washy existence with a man that doesn’t thrill me in any way, because being dominated by a man is outdated. Maybe it is, but I love that in Gary. The fact that he is so dominant and demanding, it makes me feel safe.
I know this probably stems from a childhood issue. I’ve spent years on and off in counselling trying to ‘heal’ from this but maybe I don’t need to. Maybe the Universe has given me exactly what I want and need in the form of Gary and just maybe it’s time I stopped fighting it and just succumb to what he brings to my life; passion, fun, dominance, safety and a very intense masculine love. The type of masculine love that I crave on the deepest level and for some mad reason, I’ve been denying myself that pleasure.