I spent some time thinking about Gary, about Howie and about me. Gary and I argued relentlessly again about him being on a dating site. Really the arguing isn’t about that per se, I knew he was staying on there until we’d discussed our arrangement. Our argument is about him telling me what to do before we’ve even sat down and discussed it. Parts of our argument involved him saying that he was very disappointed in me because he thought I was going to go back on our deal. I wasn’t, I’m just not going to be told that I should be doing something when we haven’t even agreed terms yet. He also said, “I’ve said from the outset that I’ll delete my profile once you prove yourself.” This isn’t what he said at all. What he said was that he’d delete his profile once we’ve agreed terms.
What this has all brought up are major trust issues. I don’t trust him to stick to what he said, I now believe he will either twist things or will constantly change them and that this will be far far less about domestic discipline ~ an agreement which is respectful of both partners’ needs at all times ~ and more about him having power over me for his gain, ignoring all my needs. To have a domestic disciplined relationship there has to be complete trust and for me, there isn’t and therefore it won’t work.
As for Howie, it feels like Phil all over again. We’re still in touch and he’s saying mostly all the right things but the right things are not the things I want to hear from him. He’s said that he had no interest in females at all until I came into the pub that night and that all of a sudden he felt weird and lost every bit of confidence he had. He said that I changed his opinion about dating in seconds, that he felt all silly like a little boy and that he still does. He said that in short, I blew him away. He also said he’s a very patient man and thinks I’m worth waiting for and that if anything ever happens between us he promises it’ll be the full works. So yesterday, I found myself trying to talk myself into fancying Howie because it’s not something that’s happening naturally but I have to listen to that and I have to act on it, not by jumping into something with him and trying to make myself like him, like I did with Phil, but by letting him down gently now.
My life seems to be a constant battle between good and bad. The good guys, Phil and Howie and the bad boys, Tom and Gary. Every time I feel much more attracted to the bad boys but now I’m really starting to think that this is almost like a disease stemming from unresolved issues from my childhood. Maybe my lack of attraction towards the good men is just that; I’m not attracted in an emotional sense because they don’t have as much to teach me? By continuously falling for the bad boys and staying in relationships with these people, I’m really just desperately trying to fix what got broke so many years ago. Because if I’m totally honest with myself, I don’t love Gary. There are things about him that I like, but there’s a lot of things about him that I don’t. The balance is certainly not right to base a future on it and yet, like a moth to a flame, I keep going back, just as I did with Tom. The reason I go back is not completely clear to me yet but it has something to do with wanting them to love me. Now, I know they both said that they did but what I want is for them to act like they do. I want my love to be so strong that they will change from the person they are into the Howies and Phils of this world. Shit! I want to fix them. Bollocks. Back to that again.
The only sensible thing I can do is to sort this out once and for all. It’s time to change the way I view my world – not through the lens of a damaged childhood but through the lens of a healed, loving adult.