Emptiness

I feel so empty. It’s so strange after a break up. Suddenly my phone is silent, the endless drama which has filled my life for 18 months and caused me no end of stress has disappeared but what I’m left with is an emptiness that I don’t know how to fill. Maybe I don’t need to fill it. But the emptiness is uncomfortable, like a physical hunger that I can’t ignore, I feel the need to feed it in some way.

The temptation to text Gary is huge, not because I want anything to do with him, but just because I don’t want to feel this emptiness. I’ve had this before, many times. After Greg, Tom, Phil. I know it won’t last and that’s what I need to keep reminding myself. Within a short space of time, something else will fill this void. Last time, after Phil, it was writing and personal growth. Maybe this time it will be the healthy living and exercise that I’ve begun. Possibly it will be more personal growth as I come to terms with and process all the crap Gary put me through and then move on from it. At the moment, the very thought of him angers me and drains all of my emotional energy. It’ll take time to heal from that. The funniest thing is I didn’t love him so I’m not healing from heartbreak at all. I don’t miss him. I didn’t enjoy spending time with him or even talking to him. Instead, I’m need to heal from the damage he caused to me emotionally.

In some respects I’m actually emotionally stronger for knowing him. I have a confidence that I never had before meeting him. I’m confident about the way I look and about my level of attractiveness and I’m confident now that I can stand up to a bully much more than I ever could when I was with Tom but he’s also knocked me for six with his nonacceptance of the way I am in almost all areas of my life. I know this isn’t about me though, it is 100% about him, his insecurities and his narcissism and that’s what I must focus on every time I find myself feeling empty or down. If I ever think I’m missing him, I must remember it is just an emptiness and that one day I won’t feel empty; I’ll have found a way to fill the void that not having his drama has left.

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