I feel so angry today. I’m pretty sure it’s self-inflicted from unhealed crap from years ago coming back up. I re-read some of the stuff I wrote from when I was with Tom, I’d forgotten just how bad things were between us. I’d forgotten most of the things he did to me, which is possibly a good thing, but now awakening it all again has made me realise that what Tom was doing to me was exactly the same as what Gary was doing to me, just without the shouting. Because Gary never raised his voice at me I didn’t always recognise it as abuse. There’s something about a raised voice that triggers a deep reaction, a fear, in me. As Gary never did this, not even once, I was never triggered in the same way I was with Tom.
This all comes from my dad constantly screaming and shouting at me when I was a child and now I’m writing this I’m wondering if today’s trigger is actually because of my dad and a conversation we had yesterday. I borrowed £500 from Sasha in March to replace my broken laptop with the agreement that I would pay it back when I move house. Sasha assured me she was in no rush for the money but today she told me that she has somehow managed to spend an entire £20,000 in just five months and now she can’t afford her rent so she asked me for the money I owed her to be paid back by the end of this month. I didn’t have it so I asked Dad if he could let me have £500 from the money he’s going to give me when I move. I explained the situation and he transferred it to my account except he transferred it to the wrong one, an account that I owe money to so it swallowed it up and I still had nothing to pay Sasha. I rang him, explained the situation and his tone of voice was one of disappointment and annoyance. Whether that was at me for asking, himself for transferring to the wrong account or Sasha for spending all the money, I don’t know but it’s triggered me either way.
I struggled to ask him for money to start with. I absolutely hate asking my dad to help me financially. There’s a stigma surrounding him and money that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I feel a deep shame and I don’t know where that comes from. Maybe it’s because my sisters were always asking and I didn’t want to be like them. Maybe it’s from the time he gave to them and yet gave nothing to me ~ the embarrassment and shame I felt in that moment, being the only one not to receive, I now don’t feel as though I’m entitled to ask him for something that I have no right to. Maybe this all is the reason why we haven’t moved house yet. If he paid the £20,000 into my bank I think I’d have no problem finding a house but knowing that the money comes with a condition ~ I only get the money when I move, is blocking me. I don’t want his money on a conditional basis, the same way I didn’t want his love on a conditional basis. I want his love or anything he gives to me, just because. For no reason other than he wants to. And because the money is coming to me conditionally, I feel guilty for taking it and therefore, I can’t find a house that’s ‘right’ because when I receive that money, I’m going to feel shit. If Sasha hadn’t demanded £20,000 to move out, he wouldn’t now be offering me the same. It’s guilt money. It’s not a gift of love. My guilt at receiving his money when he doesn’t really want to give it to me, at least not without conditions, is preventing me from finding a house and moving.
I could ask myself why I don’t feel guilty about living in his house, renting it from him. I don’t because it felt as though I should accept it and do him a favour. I was still trying to please my dad to gain his love just like I have been doing my entire life. Just like I do with men like Tom and Gary. I bend over backwards to do everything to make them happy just to win their love but it never works and maybe that’s what I need to remember about Dad. Living in his house, paying him rent, taking his money or not taking his money, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do or I don’t do he will never unconditionally give his love, not to the little girl inside of me. He couldn’t do it then and he can’t do it now.
I’m not saying he doesn’t love me now, I think maybe he does, but he didn’t love me then. That’s it. No two ways about it. My dad did not love me. I don’t know why. He loved all of the others, he just didn’t love me and because he didn’t love me, I don’t feel worthy of asking him for anything. I don’t feel entitled to receive anything from him. Not £500. Not £20,000 even though it was him that offered this and never me that asked for it. I can live in his house because I pay to live in his house. I’m not getting it for free and so my mind can be okay with that.
Of course, all of these feelings tie in with the abuse from Tom and Gary. It all ties in with them not loving me and me desperately trying to do anything I can to make them love me. The only reason they wanted me in their lives was for what I could do for them. It was conditional. It wasn’t love and I mustn’t confuse the two. Love is unconditional. Anything with conditions is never love. It is quite the opposite.