Sledgehammer of Grief

A sledgehammer of grief hit me today which resulted in me texting Gary to ask him why he kept on hurting me again and again and again. I know I wasn’t going to get the answer I wanted. That answer would have been him telling me that he loves me, that he’s deleted his dating site account and wants us to be together. That might be what I want him to say but it’s not actually what I want him to do because in reality, I don’t trust him, I don’t like him and I certainly don’t love him and I definitely don’t want him back and so it would seem that it doesn’t make any sense to want him to say that and yet, to me, it kind of does.

Him not wanting to be with me plays on my inner child’s hurt of not being wanted. Years of not feeling wanted from my parents has resulted in me not coping well when someone else in my life doesn’t want me. If I heard him say that he still wanted me, it would momentarily soothe the broken child in me but that comfort wouldn’t last because then I would either have to be in a relationship with someone I don’t want to be with or I would have to tell him that I didn’t love him which would also bring me a degree of pain and so instead, I just have to take the hit.

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