After weeks of talking most nights over text, Howie and I met up tonight for a walk along the beach and then back to his place. It was so utterly boring. I appreciate that Howie is quite shy and reserved but I’m not so I found it all such hard work. Any attempts I made to have some fun either barely got acknowledged or he gave an outright ‘no’ to. I jokingly suggested going skinny dipping, he didn’t laugh, wouldn’t even entertain the idea and told me he doesn’t do swimming. It’s hardly about swimming though, is it! Conversation dried up continuously, I had to really work to keep it going or get it going again. He seemed awkward and unsure of himself, not at all like the confident type of man I like. When we left the beach, I asked what he wanted to do, he said it was up to me. I suggested coming back to mine, he agreed but then I said why don’t we go to his instead. I thought this way, if anything physical was going to happen, we’d at least be without my kids in the house. Nothing happened. He put his hand on my leg but he didn’t attempt to even kiss me and I didn’t feel like instigating it. I’m being unfair, I think he’s actually painfully shy with women but that’s the thing, I don’t find those kinds of men attractive and physically I don’t find him attractive. He’s not ugly but he does nothing for me either. Literally nothing.
What tonight made me realise is that I went on a date with Howie because he is a really nice person. After Gary, I thought I needed nice but just being nice isn’t enough and I won’t settle just because I’ve had another shit time with a pig of a man.
I won’t settle for someone I’m not physically attracted to.
I won’t settle for someone who isn’t fun.
I won’t settle for someone who treats me like shit.
I won’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect me.
I won’t settle for someone who isn’t physically affectionate.
I won’t settle for someone that I don’t feel something for.
I won’t settle for someone just because they’re nice.
I won’t settle for someone that I feel sorry for.
I won’t settle for someone who is broken.
I won’t settle for someone who doesn’t live passionately.
I won’t settle for someone who is drink or drug dependent.
I won’t settle for someone who is less than I deserve and less than I want.
I won’t settle.
My life lacks nothing for not having a man in it. Events of the last few weeks have really made me open my eyes to what I have and what I want. In the past, I have settled too many times.
I settled for Greg when I knew, right from the night I met him, that I didn’t like him in that way.
I settled for Phil because he treated me with love and respect.
I settled for Gary when my first thought upon seeing him was no and I settled again and again when he treated me like shit.
I didn’t settle with Tom. I loved him deeply from the moment we met and it’s remembering that recently that has helped this decision tonight. I want to feel love again. That same kind of love that kept me awake all night after our first date because I’d fallen so madly in love with him. He consumed my every waking hour and inhabited my nightly dreams too. I want a love where I can’t stop thinking about him, where I tell everyone who will listen, all about him. I want love, respect, kindness, fun, a sense of humour, passion, drive. I want it all and I won’t settle, because I just don’t need to.