Getting Back on the Horse

I told myself I wouldn’t ever do it again, but I have. I’ve joined a dating site again. I want to meet someone. I want love in my life. I’m never going to achieve that sitting indoors and only going to the supermarket. Anywhere else I go, I always have the kids with me so a dating site is my only option at the moment. The difference this time though is that I haven’t responded to a single person that I’m not attracted to. Normally I reply to everyone that messages me and after a day or two of this, I feel overwhelmed and end up leaving the site. This time, I’ve only responded to those that I have some kind of attraction to. That means I’m only having about six conversations rather than a possible 25+ conversations as has happened before. One man, Keith, has already asked me out for coffee. I said no, not because I didn’t want to but because I was busy at the time he suggested. I’m debating whether to give him my number or not, he’s the only one I feel that I could meet up with at the moment.

The trouble is as always, dating around the kids. It’s possibly too soon to be going off on lots of dates but I’m becoming more and more aware for the need in me to have some kind of life of my own, separate from the kids. I am more than just a mum and it was meeting up with Howie on Saturday that made me realise that. There are things in life that I want that don’t involve the kids. That’s really hard for me to admit that to myself but I must. The kids are my world, they always have been but they won’t always be and I won’t always be theirs. It feels like the right time to start thinking about my needs too, as hard as that is, and one of those needs is to spend time with other people, probably mostly men as I enjoy their company more than women’s, and to one day, create and build a loving relationship with one. How that’s going to happen is something I don’t currently have the answers to but for now, just finding someone that’s kind but fun, calm but passionate, confident but not cocky, good looking but not arrogant and someone that I feel attracted to is enough of a job.

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