Last night I found myself suddenly feeling really sad. It enveloped me completely and at 1am, unable to sleep, I found myself asking the universe to send real, true love into my life. I asked for the kind of love that I haven’t yet experienced – a mutual, respectful, long-lasting, kind, fun love between me and a man that I’ve yet to meet. Very soon after this, I fell asleep but 40 minutes later, I woke having had a really interesting and insightful dream. I dreamt that I was in my car in a car park surrounded by other cars. After a while, I got out of my car and stood in the car park. It was night time and it was dark. I felt worried. I looked around me and saw a few men all stood independently from each other but all facing me and possibly approaching me. I felt really scared. I got my keys out to open the car and as I struggled to calm my shaking hands and get the key in the lock, I prayed ~ “Please help to keep me cold.” The key went in, I opened the door frantically, jumped in the car with my heart racing and locked the doors so no-one could get to me. I felt really scared. I then realised that I’d asked for the wrong thing, I should have asked him to keep me safe, not keep me cold.
The dream kept waking me throughout the night, more as a reminder not to forget it but also I kept having these moments where I just knew I’d asked for the wrong thing. Before going to sleep I’d asked for love, in the middle of the night, after that dream, I thought that what I should have asked for was for to heal and then I had the huge realisation that I am scared of men and that I don’t trust them not to hurt me.
Later in the night, I had another dream about a man that I met online a couple of years ago. He asked me for sex, nothing more or less but also admitted that he was married. He really got under my skin at the time, and no doubt still, because supposedly his wife knew nothing about his extramarital affairs but he was shagging around the country wherever and whenever he could. It really pissed me off that a man could do that to someone he claimed to love.
Today I sat and made a list ~ ‘Men that have harmed me’. By harm, I meant emotionally or physically wounded me in some way so as to have lowered my trust in men even more. That list consisted of:
Mr Brown from school
Mr Harrison from school
Mr Mansfield from school
Peter (the married man)
The list may get longer. I then wrote my reasons for how they had harmed me.
Uncle ~ Made me feel sexually uncomfortable. He had no respect for personal space. He went to Izzy and Sasha’s bedroom uninvited. He tried to start a physical fight with Izzy when she was 15. He sat far too close to me when he came round my house one time and he never did anything to ease Nan’s burden, in fact, he placed more work on her shoulders.
Granddad ~ Sat around doing nothing almost all of the time while Nan ran herself into the ground looking after him and their special needs daughter.
Mr Brown ~ Always shouted, no, bellowed, really loudly. He humiliated me time and time again for daydreaming.
Mr Harrison ~ Shouted at me but mostly in PE, he would throw the ball at me really hard to force me to learn to catch. I felt embarrassed, overwhelmed and panicky.
Mr Mansfield ~ Shouted at everyone for anything. All the kids were scared of him. I was petrified that I would be put in his class for geography and that I’d have to ensure the shouting.
Theo ~ Completely charmed and wooed me from the moment we met up for our first date. He didn’t respect any boundaries I may have had by kissing me as soon as we met up and then he didn’t contact me again after we slept together despite earlier telling me he wanted to be with me.
The rest don’t really need repeating, it’s been said a million times but writing it, I could see why I have developed a fear and complete mistrust of men and why this so desperately needs healing before I can ever embrace love in my life. How can I ever openly receive love all the time I’m scared of a man? It would never work.
This afternoon I messaged Dad and I asked him for £6000 of the £20,000 he’s going to give me when I move out. I told him I needed it to set up a business, which isn’t actually true, I just wanted to ensure I had some money from him (I’ve already had £4000 for a car, laptop, washing machine when they all broke) in case he went back on his deal after I moved. Dad agreed and sent it over. The first thing I did was looked into some counsellors. I know that I need some intensive therapy to heal all this hurt. Hurt that started from the moment I was born when Dad accused Mum of sleeping with his brother as I had his skin colouring instead of Dad’s. I’ve no doubt that was the moment Dad started rejecting me and not wanting me. I need to undo forty-two years of negative conditioning, of rejection, abandonment, abuse and neglect.