Connections

I’m going through an odd phase in life. I feel tired, angry, frustrated. I feel a lack of connection, not only to others but to myself too. I was reading something the other day about people with addictions and how the root cause for an addiction starting is a lack of connection with others. I understand that. I don’t have any major addictions. I’m sure I’m addicted to something as most of us are to one degree or another, but I don’t drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, eat excessively or any of the other damaging addictions. Instead, I constantly sit with my pain, not doing anything to avoid it. Pain possibly isn’t quite the right word. I sit with the feeling of being unconnected and it is very uncomfortable.

Life circumstances at the moment dictate that I have very little chance to form connections with others. My days are so tiring and often so draining that I barely have time to connect with myself. I can go weeks without seeing anyone apart from my children and Tom. I’m connected to the kids. I don’t want a connection with Tom.

I guess what this boils down to is a fear that’s within us all. Maybe we all forget that we’re all connected to each other without us even doing anything, and it’s the fear that we’re all alone, flying through an infinite space with no rope attached to pull us back and no safety net to catch us, should we fall.

I think about Gary and his addiction to alcohol and the pub. How it only started after his separation from his ex-wife. How he couldn’t face being in the house without the kids there and so he formed a new connection with the people in the pub and now he’s too connected to make room for anything else or anyone else in his life. Being with those people is true connection. Drinking alcohol is the addiction because it takes Gary a few pints to relax and allow those connections to really form, for him to embrace them.

And me, with my lack of addiction. I just constantly feel like the one in infinite space, unconnected to almost everything. The connection I have with my children is amazing but it’s not enough. They’re my children, I am responsible for them. They are not my equals in terms of responsibility, therefore that connection doesn’t comfort me or bring me the feelings of safety that other connections could. That feeling can only come from people that I have no responsibility for.

Currently that feeling is an emptiness, a void, a forgetting. Because I’ve been here before except last time I was here, I remembered that I was connected to the Universe, to all others, to nature but mostly to myself and this time around, that’s all I need to do to resolve the emptiness. Remember.

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