Each time I’ve joined a dating site, I’ve felt disappointed at the quality of men, how they all seem to be after sex or someone to travel with and I’ve longed to find a man interested in personal growth so I changed dating sites and have found a few men on the new site that are interested in those things but now I don’t want that! These men all come across as boring, no REALLY boring! They spend their lives reading spiritual texts or books based on a spiritual basis. They do yoga, take walks in nature to feel at one with the world and go on spiritual retreats. That is not me and I don’t want that in my life either.
I want normal. I want fun. I want someone to laugh with, to talk to, to live a normal life with, go to work, look forward to time spent together doing normal stuff with our kids together (assuming he has kids), love each other deeply, have sex and maybe, just maybe, put a little bit of personal growth in their too. I want a mixture with it all being slightly more tipped in favour of fun and laughter rather than being in our heads all the time, thinking about shit. I’m done with thinking about shit and I just want to live life more fully, with love along for the ride. Someone to hold hands with, be mischievous with, someone with a sense of humour, a passion for fun, a family man but one who is emotionally mature as well.
The one thing I really don’t want to do, which I’ve known all along but ignored out of a deep loneliness or just sheer desperation, is to go searching for this man on a bloody dating site. I hate them. I don’t want to use my head to find love, I want to use my heart. I don’t want to peruse a profile and decide a man sounds like someone I could love. I just want to find the man I was destined to be with, organically and with my heart, with feeling it, not thinking it. It’s time to start feeling my way through life again, like I used to do, and stop thinking about everything, non-stop.
All that said, I’ve been talking to someone from a dating site for the last four months. Last night, at 12.37am my phone beeped loudly. It was him, Mo. He’s a man that I didn’t think anything would ever happen with as I wasn’t particularly attracted to him (despite him being quite good looking) and because he was too serious. He was texting me to inform me that he’d arrived safely in Scotland, where he’d gone for a few days to spend time with a friend. We chatted some more and then he said, “Tell me something about yourself that not a lot of people know.” I couldn’t think of a single thing. I consider myself to be a fairly open book but upon thinking about that a little deeper, I realised that wasn’t true at all. I’m actually very private. (This blog being the exception. My anonymity makes it feel as though I’m remaining private.) I can overshare about the funny stuff in my life and I’m never worried about telling anyone that will listen about something that’s happened that makes me a laughing stock but I never, and I mean never, share anything real about myself. This wasn’t going to be easy. I didn’t know whether I should go light or heavy on the confession so asked him what he wanted. He told me to go where felt natural. Of course, it felt much more natural to err on the side of caution and go light and so I told him that if I hadn’t chosen the life path I did, I would have wanted to be a singer and that at times I still dream about what that life would have been like.
And then it was his turn and I requested deep. His confession was humbling, sad and thought provoking. We talked deeply and philosophically for another hour before he asked me to be really honest and open with him from this point in and vulnerable in my own time. I said I would, wondering what on earth I was agreeing to. Honest I can do, open and vulnerable I can’t. We chatted a while longer, he asked me questions that I had to be honest about, some of which made me feel quite vulnerable and exposed emotionally. We talked about The Five Love Languages book and what our languages are which meant I ended up telling a man that I’ve never met that the way to make me feel loved is to spend quality time with me and touch and kiss me lots.
At 1.56am we said goodnight but ended up still talking openly and honestly until finally at just before 3am, we both fell asleep. The chat was eye opening and a little disconcerting, if I’m honest. Not because of the vulnerability but because of his inability to understand that people aren’t always what they seem over a text message. At one point, he said that he thought that I am heady, prim, proper and boring and I’m not sure I want to remain talking to someone that thinks that way about me, so maybe saying yes to his honesty and openness has already led me in a different direction, a direction that isn’t, once again, heading for more abuse and put-downs.