Unconnected

I had a very big moment of weakness and slept with Gary last night and it was probably exactly what I needed. He felt like a stranger, both before and after. During, I felt like I always did but even more so, like a convenience. I happened to be the woman that was around there but in reality, anyone would have done.

He’s cold, emotionless, selfish and brutal and spares no regard for anything I might want but then I knew that already. He didn’t even attempt to cuddle me afterwards and didn’t want to give me a kiss goodbye at the door when I left and surprisingly, I’ve been okay with that. I haven’t longed for more or felt sad that he did all of the above. It’s been quite freeing and I think we both probably now feel the same about each other. It’s over and we won’t be getting back together. I’m sure he felt it as much as I did.

The sex, as always, left me cold. No tenderness, no love, no intimacy, no touching other than of genitals and no connection and really what that amounts to is no point in repeating especially as at this point in my life, I’m not even bothered about sex, actually I haven’t been for years. I think it’s something that happens for me when I feel deeply connected and in love with a partner and that’s been so long since that happened that I’ve lost the desire almost completely now. Coupled with the fact that the only sex I’ve had over the last 18 months has been purely about the act of sex, the in and out thrusting crudeness of one person getting their physical needs met and their ego stroked and it’s kind of turned me off.

But, what if the entire time we were together and I was blaming his coldness and the lack of connection on him, it had really been me all along? What if the reason I felt unconnected to him all along was because I wasn’t connected to him. I never felt for Gary the way I wanted to and it can’t all be down to his actions, maybe some of it was down to mine too ~ trying to love someone that I just didn’t but thought I did.

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