Mo, the man that I’ve been chatting to for the last few months, at first seemed to be different to most men on dating sites. He seemed ‘normal’ but we had a conversation a few weeks ago that made me believe that he’d had his two red flags. (I’ve decided that with any man I’ll look for the red flags and once I get to three, that’s us done, regardless of what stage we’re at in our ‘relationship’.) I can’t recall now what the red flags were but they prompted me to cancel the date we had arranged. However, he has continued to contact me intermittently and it’s made me come to the conclusion that he is most probably a narcissist. Now, I’m fully aware that my viewpoint on this is skewed and that I have become so focused on not attracting that kind of person into my life again, that it is all I can now see and that there are probably times that I wrongly think someone of being narcissistic but tonight I discovered a narcissistic abuse life coach online who advised on ways to identify one. One of the ways was to ask a particular question to the suspect and their answer would give you your answer.
I was chatting to Mo last night. He’d been in France and had just got back home. He sent me some photos of his time away including two of him in a jumper and boxer shorts which I found very odd. The photos didn’t show any of the place, only photos of him in the kitchen or by the front door. We chatted a bit more and then I asked him where he hadn’t been in the world but would like to, to which he spent the next ninety minutes regaling me of his life plans, travel goals, career aspirations and anything else he could think of. He said he wants to go into politics eventually. At one point he said, “You haven’t asked me where I’d like to live” and I sat there thinking You haven’t asked me a single thing. You’ve just spent the whole time talking about yourself with no interest in involving me in the conversation.
He then said, “I just want to be the best me.” I asked him what the best me was and then I asked him the question that I’d discovered from the life coach. In what ways do you need to grow or change?
Now, it is in the suspect’s response that you have your answer. Someone who isn’t narcissistic would answer the question willingly and comfortably. A narcissist will either say they don’t need to change or they will get angry or they will avoid the question. Mo said, “Haha” and then, for the first time all evening he asked me to tell him about my dreams ~ taking the focus off of him for a short while. But he said, “Do it so it doesn’t sound like an interview.” I asked him if he was going to answer my question about change and asked what he meant by an interview. He said he had given feedback on this before (he hasn’t) and then said I come across as interview-y. How rude but typically narcissistic behaviour. A criticism of me to make me feel crap about myself and give him reason to feel better about himself.
Later he went on to tell me about a series of books he had read by Iceberg Slim. I had no previous knowledge of this author so had to Google to find out who he is. He was a pimp, regularly abusing women. A misogynist who wrote books about his actions ~ a true narcissist no doubt. And these books are ones that Mo admits to reading. Now maybe he was expanding his mind but I think about the healthy men that I know in my life and I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t give books like this the time of day, they would be appalled by them and refuse to read them. They certainly wouldn’t call them classics, as Mo had. In fact, he described one of his books as ‘awesome’.