Apart from that… Everything’s fucking rosy. Those were the words to my brother-in-law, Max, today after telling him all about the last few days which have been full of crap due to Greg, Katie struggling with crippling anxiety and a few other things. What I didn’t mention to him was that I heard back from Phil after my email last week and that it brought back to me, more than anything else can, how little I have in my life and all that I had with him and haven’t had since. That is not me wanting him back, I don’t. It would never work; my negative feelings towards him have never changed and they’re never likely to but, as I’ve said many times before, the kind of love he gave to me and brought to my life, is the only kind of love that I want and the sheer lack of it in my life for the last three years or so is really starting to take its toll.
And then, if not in the doldrums enough, I went into Sainsburys to get a few bits, worrying the whole time in case I saw Gary. Instead of seeing him, which would have been preferable, I saw Michael, Linda’s brother. The only other man I’ve ever met who was decent and kind and could have been someone that I could have formed something special with had I given it half a chance, and seeing him just reminded me of what’s going on in my life and has been going on for too long.
I’ve spent years attracting, accepting and keeping unhealthy men. Men that treated me and my children like utter crap and I clung to them like they were gold dust. And then I decide I want something different; that I want real, honest, kind, spiritual love and the Universe listens intently and sends me actual gold dust in Phil and I reject the Universe’s gift because it turns out I didn’t just want the honest, kind love, I wanted more besides that. I wanted maturity and a physical attraction and so a year later the Universe sent more gold dust with Michael ~ a man who was mature but lots of fun, physically attractive, gentle and kind but I rejected him because I was scared that he was too reliant on Linda and not yet over the hurt his ex wife had caused and that I would become a problem rather than a pleasure. I didn’t even give him a chance and so I did even worse than I did to Phil and I just stopped contacting him and despite me getting in touch with him twice now and apologising, he has never replied and today he totally ignored me when he saw me. I don’t blame him for that.
And then Gary came my way. Yet another man who treated me like crap and I fully accepted him into my life in a way I could never accept the two healthy men that came my way and I let him use me, abuse me and knock me almost as low as I was when I was with Tom. And when I find the strength to leave him, the Universe kindly sends Howie my way ~ another man who was similar to Phil and Michael and I rejected him too.
I keep asking the Universe to send me real love but each time it does I send it back, thinking that there must be something more to come my way. In all honesty, Michael was probably the more.
He ignored me in Sainsburys, not once, but four times. He looked like he couldn’t get away quick enough but then outside, I saw him sat on a bench having a cigarette and I wanted him to be sat there, waiting for me and I wanted him to come over and say hello to me but he just sat there, smoking and relaxing. I got in my car and I drove away and it wasn’t until I got home that I realised that I could have gone over to him, sat on the bench and said hello. I could have tried to apologise to him again, even if he rejected my apology, it at least would have meant more being said face to face instead of an email. But I did nothing apart from drive home, wishing that life really were fucking rosy.
Tonight, I’m trying to come to terms with the realisation that I completely push the good men out of my life and then, when it’s too late, I regret it but by that point, they aren’t the slightest bit interested. I fuck up again and again and again and until I stop, I can carry on forever dreaming about rosy endings and just learn to settle for the thorns.